Saturday, June 4th

My heart is heavy this morning and the house seems to be extra quiet. We have a whole in our hearts now since Andrew passed away yesterday at 3 pm. I held him in my womb when he took his first heartbeats. And I was there yesterday, holding him closely to me as I have done countless times in my arms, as his heart took its last beats. He is gone now. One moment he was smiling at me all big and adorable and now he is in the most wonderful place smiling at his sister and the others who have gone before. I miss him so much! My arms ache since they cannot reach out to hold him again. And I can't believe that he's gone.

Thousands were praying for him these last few days and I am so glad that so many were concerned for his life. That has touched us deeply. And we so appreciate that support and I know Andrew felt it.

In my grief, I am thankful for the time we got to spend with him and for the great joy he brought to our lives. But it was way too short. I want to hold him one more time as he looks up at me with such affection and sees my smile and then he smiles in response. I want put my forehead to his and kiss it like crazy and say, "I love you so much my little special." And hear his giggle as I tickle his pudgy belly and feet. I want to put my index finger into the palm of his hand and feel his tight grip. He never let go easily.

He was strong. He was happy. He was so good and so content.

He was just starting to reach out for me to pick him up. And I keep seeing his smiling face. He loved us all so much and was such a happy boy. And we loved him very much as well.

I don't understand this right now. I don't understand why this happened. But I know that God was with him to the last and is with him now. And God was with us crying as we cried, feeling the loss as we felt the loss and cried because our family is missing him so much right now.

Good-bye little special.

You're my little precious boy.
You're my little precious joy.
You are my special one,
My little special son,

You are my Andrew.

I love you sweetie!