Independence Day and Jordan's Plans for the Family

Today is July 5th. It is early morning and I have awakened early to the new day ahead with my mind filled with thoughts of Andrew.

Yesterday was the one month anniversary of his passing. The last time I felt any kind of life in his body. When I felt his life slip away.

Oddly, the day wasn't so bad. Perhaps it was because I was focused on enjoying the extra day I got to have with my three oldest who are still with us. Perhaps it was because Matthew, now the youngest again, kept wanting to sit next to me, snuggle with me and/or sit on my lap and walk holding onto my right leg whenever I got up to do anything. Or perhaps it was us having plans to join some friends at a country home where there were lots of kids for them to play with. The boys got to go on their first hay rides and see horses in person. That was so exciting for them. It brought joy to our hearts and smiles to our faces that were even felt on the inside. Perhaps it was just God being gracious and giving me a peace for the day since I was able to take some time to put on some good worship music and just go after Him in the late morning hours. It was great to feel His presence.

Kids are very interesting. Since a week after Andrew died, Jordan has been asking us when we are having another baby. When he first asked that at the day 7 mark, my lips began to tremble and quickly begin to quiver as I teared up, started shaking and looked down at my plate. We had just sat down to dinner. With his innocent comment, his way of saying he misses Andrew, my heart bottomed out with great pain, sorrow and sadness.  My entire body shook as I began to sob. I couldn't think about another baby right now. That's the last thing I wanted. I wanted Andrew back. Not another baby.

Of course, Jordan wasn't trying to be mean or hurt me. It was where I was at at that time and Mark just reached over, rubbed my upper arm as he told the boys that mommy was just a little upset and was crying right now. That I was very sad about Andrew being gone and I just needed to cry. But that it was alright that I was crying and feeling sad and that I would feel better. They were not to worry.

So it's not uncommon that he asks if there's a baby in my womb. Or when are we having another baby. And so, yesterday as we drove to the picnic he was talking about how we were going to have another baby and it would be a boy and we would name it "Speedracer". Mark and I chuckled at that. Speedracer. That's a good one.

The other interesting thing about children and loss is that they are so frank about it.

When we arrived at the picnic, a good friend of ours opened the side door of the van to let the boys and tell us all hello. Jordan was right there, popped his head out and said, "This is our number now. We had one more but he's dead. So now it's just this number."

"Okay," said our friend. It seemed he was taken aback a bit. And Mark and I just sighed and nodded. Jordan does this on occasion without batting an eyelash.

So yesterday was the one month milestone since Andrew left.

I still miss you little special. We may be kind of moving along a bit in some ways still in a bit of disbelief that this is how it is now. But we still miss you terribly. There is still a hole in our hearts. You may have been this little tiny precious one but you occupied a bit space in our family and lives.

It was the 4th of July. The anniversary of the signing of the Declaration of Independence. This is another family milestone that your smiling face did not share with us in this life. I would have snuggled you close to me as we watched the fireworks. I thought of that on Sunday night as we enjoyed watching the boys being amazed by them. Well, as Jonathan provided commentary on each moment of the fireworks while Matthew exploded with enthusiasm with a "look at that!" or a "wow!" as he jumped and pointed at each one. He got a good workout. All the while, Jordan would hide between my legs or by Mark when they got to be too loud while telling us that it was a little bit loud.

We love you Andrew! We will always love you! And we will always miss you! And I can't wait to see you again little special!