Another Milestone

We got the death certificate today from the funeral home. I can't believe that I'm walking this path. When I dreamt of being a grown up, I imagined myself as a mother and taking care of babies and teaching them and loving them. I dreamt of my future family (not that I can tell you any details of what that involved besides a husband and kids). And in my youth and innocence, never imagined that part of the fulfillment of the dream of motherhood would bring the loss of two of my children. One before birth and one after.

While my longing for Alexa, my daughter has lessened and the pain is endurable now, I still often reflect on her even though I never saw her face in this world. Never held her precious form or kissed her darling brow.

But Andrew, Andrew is a different path of grief and loss. I carried him longer, suckled him, changed his diapers, bathed him, held him, cuddled him and adored him. He was my little special. My son who brought me great joy as his brothers also do. The one I have had the strongest bond with of any of my children at this age.

And now I have an official state document from the County Recorder documenting his official notice by the government of his death.

It shouldn't be this way. I still shake my head at the thought that he's gone. The corners of my  mouth still draw downward when the sorrow of his loss arises in the very depths of my being.

You didn't just touch my heart Andrew.
You touched my soul.

And I love you and miss you terribly.

Well the state has now documented his passing. Good for them.

Another milestone.
Another day without him.
Another day of craziness at work trying to accomplish more than the hours allow.
Another day of stresses trying to close on a house. A bright spot in the midst of finalizing the official things of Andrew's.
Another day where I worked late to get the deadlines met.
Another day where I was sustained by the Lord as I wanted to curl up in a ball and cry.
Another day where God was gracious and kept me going when I wanted to stop.
Another day ending with my, now youngest, son calling out, "mommy" from underneath his door because he wants me to love on him before he goes to sleep and my oldest heading off to bed with hugs for his mother who has tears in her eyes from reading the Death Certificate.
Another day without Andrew.
Another day with the rest of my family.

Andrew, you're my little boy, you're my little special joy.
You are my special one, my little special son. You are my Andrew.
I love you sweetheart! I will always love you!