It's Just How It Is

It's just how it is.

(All names in the account below are fictional to keep them anonymous.)

I met a man today. John. It was a very intriguing meeting. Something unexpected. Not planned by me at all. It was a very pleasant conversation. One that has definitely peaked my curiosity and has given me some things to consider. More discussions may follow. We'll see.

A friend of mine was there as well, Travis. I feel badly for the man and for Travis. Without knowing it, the conversation came around to my children. John thought I had 4 even though I told him I had three.

"I thought there were 4?" He said.

It was a bit awkward. I didn't want to tell someone I was meeting for the first time, especially in a business setting, that Andrew had died. It's just not the place. People get all weird. It makes things a little strange and they don't know what to say and I don't want people to think I am about ready to fall apart on the spot. So I just don't mention it. So I try to kindly say again, "No. I only have 3." At this point is what I think to myself.

I hoped he wouldn't pursue the matter further. I didn't want him to feel embarrassed or to have to reassure him that it was okay. He couldn't know. I know it's an awkward subject to maneuver.

"Then why did I think there were 4?" he said, or something like that, perplexed.

Oh shoot, I'm thinking. How do I handle this without making him feel bad? To make this as quick of a conversation as possible. Travis seemed to reach across the table to comfort me. I think he may have tried to speak up. He was probably concerned. Travis has a very good heart.

"Well," I start to say looking away trying to find the words. How to say it so that it came out quickly and caused the least disturbance. "We . . . ah . . . did have 4." Then he started to get that look that people get at this point. Almost like, oops, I stumbled into a hard subject I guess.

"We had 4 but . . . we lost one." I said quickly trying to give him a look like I didn't want him to feel badly. He couldn't know. Of course he got the look that many do that learn of this for the first time. Like they step into a mine. They seem to feel badly. That they shouldn't have asked. 

"Oh, I'm sorry." He said as he reached out to touch my arm.

I felt so bad for him. It wasn't that bad to have his identity known. I wasn't in a spot where I was emotional. I felt strong at that moment. The sad truth was there that our son is not with us anymore in this life but it wasn't a moment heavy on my heart.

I tried to give him a sincere smile to say that he had caused no hardship to me. "It's alright." I tried to reassure him. I hope Travis didn't feel bad then. That he saw that it was alright.

I felt so bad.

It's just how it is.