Our First Grief Support Group

I was hoping to go to a mommy's grief support group that meets here in town monthly. After the parent's meeting at the beginning of the month, I looked forward to meeting some moms and learn how they're coping and be able to process more of the grief. But I wasn't able to make it even though I lined up a babysitter. Our pictures at church took longer than we thought, and there was a mix-up with the babysitter and I had a great evening with my boys playing silly games as I put them to bed.

The parent's group was good and hard and disappointing.

There was a decent turn out. I took a few things to snack on but found that I had no appetite once I sat down and couldn't seem to taste anything anyway. So there was no pleasure found in trying to munch on anything. Even chocolate didn't taste appealing. That really surprised me but I guess that's how it goes when you're in a room with strangers that you know have exerienced the exact same loss as you in some form.

With each introduction we learned of people who miscarried, had stillbirths, lost teenagers, adult children and for different causes. One was SIDS, one was some heart condition, another couple had struggled for years and years and finally had a child. I practically lost it as they said their only child died at age 7. Here we have 3 others and they have struggled so to have that one that they then lost.

Tears came to both of our eyes as one couple lost their 5 1/2 month old son in April. I immediately looked down at the table thinking that I couldn't hear much more of this. This was too close to home.

Many others were crying as we all introduced ourselves and we shared about precious Andrew of course. And I added that we had lost Lexi since Mark doesn't really remember her. Even though that saddens me I guess it's to be expected. I was early on in the pregnancy and Mark didn't get to see her on ultrasound or feel her. She was too young. So it seems I'm the only one that remembers her besides the boys' godmother. She mentioned Alexa the last time we visited them during the summer. It amazed me that anyone else remembered I had carried her and lost her. It was good to know someone remembered her besides me.

So.................after introductions anyone who's child was celebrating a birthday, the anniversary of their death, was new or just wanted to, could light a candle in honor of their child. Suddenly I became so tense and so emotional that I just stared at the table. Mark whispered to me if I wanted to do it, I stared at him with big eyes and shook my head while mouthing no. Then I looked down at the table and Mark stood up to go to the table to light a candle for Andrew. Everyone was sniffling by this time right along with me and Mark lit the candle speaking Andrew's name. I couldn't move as tears streamed down my face.

"My baby." I thought to myself.

They shared about their group and then a lady who lost a niece or nephew, shared about a book. One that told the story of a little boy who died years ago at age 13 or 14 and how he had made such a strong impact before he died on many lives. While some of it was rather intriguing and encouraging, one father, the one who had suffered multiple miscarriages with his wife, asked how you were supposed to deal with the loves ones that tell you to just get over it and move on.

Many spoke up expressing their apologies for this insensitivity. Others gave them advice that I thought was a bit insensitive. I kept thinking that he more needs to hear that we understand and have experienced this too and that he was heard more than any advice. Because there really isn't much you can do for people that either have not experienced this loss giving them no right to say anything or people who don't know how to handle what you're going through. While spoken with good intentions in mind.............................

I kept wanting to say that I was so sad that others were so insensitive. But then others were sharing about the circumstances surrounding their child's death and relatives and friends and all that. Many of us were crying. My nose was running like a constantly dripping sink. The stories were just so . ............. heartfelt....................

It seemed like we were all opening up. And even though some stories hurt to hear and some had very encouraging things to say or were very touching, it was still good becuase it was just like they had read my mind. It was good to know that others were hurting the same way. Asking the same questions. Wondering the same things. And some were saying how they couldn't believe in God now or didn't know how to relate to God. I could understand that even though I'm not struggling with that at the moment. I have struggled with that.

People were being very real. Very transparent. It was really good. And then one woman made a comment that shut it all down. Then the lady began to share more about this little boy.

One woman stood up in tears and said she didn't want to hear about this little boy, she wanted to hear about all of our children. Our memories. Get to know our kids. Not someone that is far away. So she left the room saying she was done with the group.

I felt so bad for her that she felt so hurt by the group. She said that no one ever got to share. We all didn't know each other.

After what I had witnessed that sure made me wonder. We left shortly after the book discussion was done.