Five Months

Five months ago today I was dreading living because of the immense pain and loss I felt over Andrew dying. Five months. My gosh. It's so hard to believe. I couldn't imagine what life would be life. What it would become without my son. And here we are. Today is the five month mark.

And its Mark's birthday. I didn't remind him. It didn't seem right. He may remember. Most likely not. I say it and he usually replies, "oh that's right." I made him a birthday card and took him to dinner and we enjoyed a few hours without kids. Even struck up a conversation with the couple at the table next to us. Tomorrow we'll celebrate as a family. The boys are very excited.

It's strange. We'll celebrate. It's the anniversary of his death and we'll celebrate life.

I guess that's good. We are finding some moments of enjoyment these days. Well, I am at times anyway. I'm not 100% sure about Mark. I think he does too. He's in a lot of pain still. I feel so bad. I think he's dealt with some of it but every so often he opens up and there is such pain in his voice. Such sorrow. Sorrow that is so deep that it catches me off guard. He really doesn't talk much about Andrew and his grief. What he's thinking.

Then again I don't talk to him much about mine. It's very difficult to voice out loud. I can write about it but talking about it is difficult. But I think it's also that it's hard to feel safe with many to share something so intense and personal.

There are few I have felt totally safe with. My dear big brother-friend Terry. He's away for the next year and can only be reached by email or snail mail. Dick, my other big brother-friend. And Dick's wife. Some friends I have lost contact with. And a friendship that I cherish and hold dear in my heart.

I don't know how to talk to them either. Such an enigma. I don't know what to say and I want to say so much.

Wish they would call.

Give me a big hug.

Hold me.

Tell me it's going to be okay.

Listen.

Share.

Just be there.

So alone.

So utterly alone.