Reflections on 2011

Tomorrow is New Year's Eve. Gosh is it hard to believe that 2011 is almost over. And yet, in some ways, it's like, thank God 2011 is almost over.

Tonight I put our youngest, Ryan, to bed. He got a Mr. Potatoehead and a Buzz Lightyear for Christmas. He insisted on having the two of them as he went to bed. He's gone to bed with Buzz every night since he got him. It's very cute. And I'm glad he likes it so well.

We read some stories and then Ryan, Buzz, Mr. Potatoehead and I did a little jig to some music that played from one of his buttons I pushed. I even had to kiss Mr. Potatoehead.

I wonder if Andrew would have been walking by now. I know he would have been giggling his head off and trying to keep up with his brothers. He always looked at them in awe. I wonder fairly often right now what he would look like and be like if he were still with us.

It's not too hard right now. And again, he wasn't home with us when we rang in 2011. I was at the hospital with him on New Year's last year. I got an extended visit that day thanks to daddy letting me go up there to be with the special bundle.

My family had met him for the first time the day after Christmas or the week after. I don't remember which. So tiny. So precious.

And so tomorrow, will end the year where we brought him home, enjoyed the four and half months we had with him, said good-bye to him, bought my van, celebrated Alex's first day of school, bought our house, got our puppy and have begun walking the path we are supposed to walk.

Such joy and such pain. And God was with us through it all. God loved us through it all. Thank You for being so faithful and strong Lord.

Andrew at 3 weeks of age. He was almost 10 pounds here.

Merry Christmas Andrew!

Merry Christmas Andrew! And Merry Christmas Blank Hospital NICU babies! Above shows the baby items donated by us, some of our family, close friends and some colleagues of mine from work. We collected enough and purchased enough ourselves to give 22 gift bags to the babies in the NICU unit that Andrew was in last Christmas. It felt so good to do this as our way of celebrating Andrew's first birthday and to add some cheer to the families that have babies in the hospital over the holidays. I hope it brightens their Christmas as it did ours last year when we were surprised by the gestures from many other NICU families that had been there before us.

I asked the boys if they wanted to help daddy and I deliver the presents and what they were and each got very sad and said no. My oldest thanked me for asking as he walked away. So the delivery did not include them like I had thought it might.

Overall I have taken the holiday in stride and have not really had any difficulty enjoying the celebration. But for a bit of time today, as our guests left our home, it just overtook me and I didn't want to be near anyone. The delivery of the blessing bags also weighed on my mind. I had collected them all, bought some items to supplement and add our own bags of love and hope but when it came to actually carrying out the delivery, I knew I could not do it alone. And Mark was there for me. Thank God!

In the end, it has been a wonderful weekend and other than that moment, I have been fine. And I think it's because Andrew wasn't physically with us last Christmas. We've done this before. No Andrew at our family gathering. Instead, we had our only Christmas with our son in room 11 at the Stage 2 NICU unit at the hospital. He lay in the iceolete (I have no idea how you spell those special babies preemies are put into to help them stay warm and protect them) as I opened his presents and showed them to him through the glass. We didn't want to expose him to the germs. As is, we had to wash our hands every time we entered the room or did anything that brought germs onto our hands. And he napped off and on as we both held him close.

Not necessarily exciting but we were touched to have blankets and ornaments and all of these little bags waiting for him expressing love, hope and blessings from other preemies that had been in the same situation the Christmas before or many Christmases before. And if only we had known it would be our only Christmas with him.

Oh well, we could "if only" a lot of things with him.

The future is bright. We have 3 beautiful boys that are just precious and are growing so much.

Little boys that gave mommy a heart-shaped locket to have a picture of Andrew in it to symbolize that he is always with us and in all of our hearts. How wonderful is that!

The New Normal is Coming

Last night we went to a prayer meeting. That the origin of where we met, at a ministry called a house of prayer. It is my husband's daddy's night out activity that he gets to do. But this week I sensed I should go too. It was very good. I dressed up in a dance skirt my husband bought me years ago and hadn't worn before. Wore my pearls. Put on one of my favorite white sweaters. (My youngest saw me when I got home to say good-night to him and he said I was a princess. It was so precious how he said it.)

I wanted to dance and I did. Just a simple little dance off to the side. Just between me and the Lord. It was fun to watch my skirt swirl and to just enjoy the movements. Enjoy the presence.

And I prayed on the microphone twice! It was awesome! It felt great!

And I came home to 3 boys that showered me with love, hugs and kisses and went to sleep with a smile. At peace. Gosh did it feel good.

The new normal is coming. And I smile at the future.

So How Did That First Birthday Go?

A year ago I was discharged from the hospital and my husband and I both felt the sadness of having to go home without our little guy. And it felt so weird.

I held him that last morning and told him that I was going home but I would come up and visit as much as I could. And that I would tell his brothers all about him. That they were so anxious to meet him.

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So Andrew's first birthday has come and gone. And the weekend wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. It turned out to be okay. The dread of the approaching day was more difficult than the day itself. In fact, I enjoyed the quiet time on Saturday, treated myself to a special meal and woke up Sunday glad to be alive.

It's odd. You want people to remember your child. To express that they remember he was here. That he mattered by their quick comment about him. And at the same time, sometimes you hate when people do it. It's such a paradox. And it's so annoying. Because I can't predict when it will bug me and when it won't. And if someone doesn't mention him, then that can bug me or not bug me.

And Sunday was one of those days that I wanted people to remember that Andrew was born on the 18th of December. And then I didn't want to hear anything else about it.

One lovely woman at church told me that she had just learned that Mark and I were the couple that lost Andrew. She hadn't realized that we were the ones until someone pointed it out to her. So she expressed her condolences. She was very sweet and kind. But it went on too long. "It's his birthday today." I told her and she felt bad again. Then I began thinking, okay, I guess I don't want people to remember today for much longer than a comment. But you can't really tell people that.

And another dear friend gave me a hug and said that she remembered it was his birthday. Another precious friend told me the same. It felt good. But the second just kept going on trying to encourage me that he is in heaven. And we have that hope of seeing him again. That eternity is longer than this life. And I was polite and smiled and nodded my head a lot and prayed she would stop. I thought I was going to lose it. But composed myself again enough to hold another friend's daughter who is 4 months old. And I thought of Andrew while enjoying holding a baby.

That evening we went a neighbor's house for a Christmas party. I didn't feel like being around people by that time of the day. I wanted to isolate myself but I went just in case I got into a chatty mood and forgot about Andrew. I hugged a few friends. Said hello. Met a few new people, got reacquantied with a young couple who had their 1st about 9 months ago and then it happened. A couple came through the door with an infant carrier. Everything stopped for me and my heart gripped trying to prepare for the sight. And there he was - a boy who is 5 months old. Instantly I teared up and looked down at the floor.

"Would you mind if I went home?" I asked my husband.

"No. You not feelin' it?" he asked with concern.

As the sadness began to rise and pour out my eyes I just shook my head and looked into his eyes. I gathered myself and found one of the hostess' to relay my regrets and left. Once outside I breathed a sigh of relief over not having to be around anyone. The stillness around me. The quiet. And cried a bit as I walked home.

Happy birthday to you,
Happy birthday to you.
Happy birthday dear Andrew.
Happy birthday to you.

Andrew at 5 minutes of age. We had one minute together before the nurse took him to NICU to take care of him. He was 5 1/2 pounds and 18 inches long and a good crier. He was beautiful and I was so proud of him for breathing on his own.

Grief and Our Boys

It's interesting what the boys say at times about the grief they feel. At this point, only Samuel and Alexander make any comments. Sadly, Ryan does not remember his brother by name alone. He doesn't seem to recognize his picture any more either. I anticipate him asking about Andrew some day and grieving his own loss at that point. I wonder sometimes when that will be. Not with worry or anxiousness or anything. It just occurs to me at times. And it saddens me he won't know Andrew except by pictures. But I can't change that. And he will grieve that some day.

On the other hand, Samuel, the oldest, has told me that he wishes that he could have been home at the time of the accident. The comment so caught me by surprise that I asked him to repeat it. I think he thought he was in trouble. It was so out of the blue so my tone of voice may not have accurately reflected my true intent to just make sure I heard him right.

All he would say is that he was at school and never got to see Andrew again. He didn't get to protect Andrew. He had expressed this before. So has Alex. Alex even told Mark that he wishes he would have caught his brother. And that always gets me right in the heart. I hate my boys hurting so much. Absolutely hate it.

When they express something about Andrew, I always make an extra effort to affirm what they said so that they know I heard them. I tell them that I am so glad they told me and ask them an applicable question, if it seems to be needed, or if they have more to say. When they seem to be done, which they usually are after only a few minutes or so, I tell them that daddy and I are always there to listen if they want to talk about Andrew again. 

But we are drawing close to each other. We are strengthening each other and loving each other. My boys are so excited to see me when I come home from work. It's so nice. I even get more hugs and
kisses from Alex more frequently than I have in almost 2 years.

Despite the painful loss we have all suffered with Andrew's death, God is enabling us to draw close as a family and to draw close to Him. It is good. Three years ago, some hardships started that lead to more and more trials and hardships for the next year and a half. When the first few disappointments came, we hardened our hearts against God. Questioned His goodness. Doubted His presence. Stopped trusting Him. It only got darker and darker after that.

And now, we have moved back to the city where we belong, in the initial neighborhood we were supposed to be in. And we have been given a house. Something I thought would not happen for another 10-15 years. And somehow with Andrew's death, we did not harden our hearts again. Purely an act of grace. Many do and I understand why. I know why. I've done it before.

I'm walking through a tough time. But I will make it through. We will make it through together. I will get to the other side of this. I will not be the same. My family will not be the same because we will always  be minus two members of our family. But we will make it. But we will only make it because the Lord is giving us the strength to go on.

Happy Birthday!

Well here we are. The eve of Andrew's first birthday.

Normally I'm excited for the first birthday. I remember the hours that lead up to our first time of meeting that one. Bake a cake. Have a few presents to wrap. I usually marvel that it's their first birthday.

And only after having Ryan, did I get to experience the joy of having a whole year and then the hormones return to normal. The others I had their pregnancies too close together. Andrew will be my second pregnancy where I get to experience the wonderful feeling of my body going back to normal. I felt a huge difference after Ryan's post-partum 1 year anniversary. So when Andrew was born I was looking forward to reaching that milestone. Obviously that was when he was alive.

But now that he's gone, I have been concerned about this day. This anniversary. A few weeks ago I began to feel so heavy, sad, tired, fatigued and struggle with doing almost anything. The first week of the month I was only able to function about half of the week. But it was purely pushing myself through it all. The next week went better. Once I got up, showered and dressed, I felt good. If that didn't do it, I'd force myself to wait until I got to work and then see if that got my mind onto other things.

Then we celebrated Christmas with my family coming to our new house. I loved it! We had a wonderful time together and a few days ago was my mommies' grief support group. We always introduce ourselves and tell about our babies. We all sniffle and cry together and then share thoughts on the topic of the evening that our group leader brings for us.

When I shared that Andrew's birthday was on Sunday, there was a unanimous groan of understanding in the group. I gladly shared that we are going to celebrate his birthday by gathering items to give to the NICU babies that are celebrating their first birthday at the same hospital he spent his first Christmas. Mark and I are still excited about this way to honor him and let those babies and families know that they are not alone. That we understand. We've been there and we are praying for them to go home soon.

We won't let them know that Andrew died. That would scare them. It gave me hope last Christmas to read about babies getting to go home and that they were a certain age.

Funny how Christmas itself is not of huge concern. I'm sure I'll be sad again this year that he's not with us but we've done this before. Our Little Special wasn't with us when we celebrated Christmas with the boys. I grieved that last Christmas and looked forward to going to the hospital to see him. So this isn't the first Christmas without him totally. This is just the first Christmas that he would have been home with us but isn't.

But his birthday. Well, on his birthday I got the joy of meeting him and then worked hard to get to see him again in the NICU 12 hours after his birth at 5 am. Pain and tired and all. And it was so worth it.

Happy birthday Little Special!

6 Month Anniversary - One Year Anniversary

It's been a few weeks since I have written. It's been very tough. Very emotional. Have you ever been so emotional, feeling so much at the same time that you feel nothing. I have gained a bunch of weight. That's  how I know I've been enduring so much pain. At times I am fine. Feel almost normal and have clarity of mind. But mostly I am in a fog. Can't concentrate. Dazed. Confused.

The worse thing is the side affects of not being able to sleep even if I am taking medication to sleep. It's very frustrating. Then when I do it's awful dreams. Horrific even.

Very few probably remember now that Sunday was the 6 month anniversary of Andrew's death.

I remember thinking last summer that I couldn't imagine what it would feel like to be 6 months out from his death. Heading towards Christmas. Thinking it would be forever away in time. And now here it is. 6 months later.

And tonight is the 1 year anniversary of my water breaking at around 3 am. The first part of our journey towards his birth. The first memories of anniversaries of his life have now arrived. And I know this is a new phase in our grieving. A part of I have been dreading.

I spent all day in bed today because of it. Unable to focus on anything at all. Sleeping. Falling in and out of awful nightmares and odd dreams.

Feelings are so strong and intense and painful that I can't stand them. I want them to be gone. I am so exhausted and tired. It's difficult to keep going when these moods come. I know they will pass but it's still so intense and deep that it's hard not to despair a bit.

Wanting to hide away. I am thinking having a cozy, safe cave to run into would be quite nice. Hide away.

It's almost too much.

And the beginning of the living memories to grieve have come. And in a few weeks will be his first birthday. The first time I held him. My discharge from the hospital without my son. The visits to NICU. The first time he nursed. Christmas Day opening his gifts.

Then we head towards the anniversary of his death in the same time frame as I just lived through since he died.

Gosh is this hard Is this awful. And I want it to be done. I want the grieving to be over. But I don't get to decide that. At times the pain is so awful I want to die. Not that I'm suicidal, it just hurts that much is all. Mark has felt this much pain as well. A wishing that God had taken me instead as I asked before Andrew died.

Happy Anniversary. Happy feeling of pain and longing of missing and loving.

Andrew's Birthday Blessing Bag

On December 18th, my son Andrew would have turned 1. In honor of his first birthday, we are gathering a birthday blessing bag for the NICU babies to get a Christmas present from Andrew for their first Christmas. Mark and I were very surprised and touched to receive a number of practical items for Andrew’s first Christmas. Generosity shared with us by former NICU babies that definitely made it more cheerful for us when we went up to visit him and to celebrate the holiday with him. If you would like to join us in this effort, I will be collecting items until Tuesday, December 20th and then will deliver them to the hospital. If you would like to send something here, post a comment or get a hold of me and I will forward the shipping address.