Grief and Our Boys

It's interesting what the boys say at times about the grief they feel. At this point, only Samuel and Alexander make any comments. Sadly, Ryan does not remember his brother by name alone. He doesn't seem to recognize his picture any more either. I anticipate him asking about Andrew some day and grieving his own loss at that point. I wonder sometimes when that will be. Not with worry or anxiousness or anything. It just occurs to me at times. And it saddens me he won't know Andrew except by pictures. But I can't change that. And he will grieve that some day.

On the other hand, Samuel, the oldest, has told me that he wishes that he could have been home at the time of the accident. The comment so caught me by surprise that I asked him to repeat it. I think he thought he was in trouble. It was so out of the blue so my tone of voice may not have accurately reflected my true intent to just make sure I heard him right.

All he would say is that he was at school and never got to see Andrew again. He didn't get to protect Andrew. He had expressed this before. So has Alex. Alex even told Mark that he wishes he would have caught his brother. And that always gets me right in the heart. I hate my boys hurting so much. Absolutely hate it.

When they express something about Andrew, I always make an extra effort to affirm what they said so that they know I heard them. I tell them that I am so glad they told me and ask them an applicable question, if it seems to be needed, or if they have more to say. When they seem to be done, which they usually are after only a few minutes or so, I tell them that daddy and I are always there to listen if they want to talk about Andrew again. 

But we are drawing close to each other. We are strengthening each other and loving each other. My boys are so excited to see me when I come home from work. It's so nice. I even get more hugs and
kisses from Alex more frequently than I have in almost 2 years.

Despite the painful loss we have all suffered with Andrew's death, God is enabling us to draw close as a family and to draw close to Him. It is good. Three years ago, some hardships started that lead to more and more trials and hardships for the next year and a half. When the first few disappointments came, we hardened our hearts against God. Questioned His goodness. Doubted His presence. Stopped trusting Him. It only got darker and darker after that.

And now, we have moved back to the city where we belong, in the initial neighborhood we were supposed to be in. And we have been given a house. Something I thought would not happen for another 10-15 years. And somehow with Andrew's death, we did not harden our hearts again. Purely an act of grace. Many do and I understand why. I know why. I've done it before.

I'm walking through a tough time. But I will make it through. We will make it through together. I will get to the other side of this. I will not be the same. My family will not be the same because we will always  be minus two members of our family. But we will make it. But we will only make it because the Lord is giving us the strength to go on.