6 Month Anniversary - One Year Anniversary

It's been a few weeks since I have written. It's been very tough. Very emotional. Have you ever been so emotional, feeling so much at the same time that you feel nothing. I have gained a bunch of weight. That's  how I know I've been enduring so much pain. At times I am fine. Feel almost normal and have clarity of mind. But mostly I am in a fog. Can't concentrate. Dazed. Confused.

The worse thing is the side affects of not being able to sleep even if I am taking medication to sleep. It's very frustrating. Then when I do it's awful dreams. Horrific even.

Very few probably remember now that Sunday was the 6 month anniversary of Andrew's death.

I remember thinking last summer that I couldn't imagine what it would feel like to be 6 months out from his death. Heading towards Christmas. Thinking it would be forever away in time. And now here it is. 6 months later.

And tonight is the 1 year anniversary of my water breaking at around 3 am. The first part of our journey towards his birth. The first memories of anniversaries of his life have now arrived. And I know this is a new phase in our grieving. A part of I have been dreading.

I spent all day in bed today because of it. Unable to focus on anything at all. Sleeping. Falling in and out of awful nightmares and odd dreams.

Feelings are so strong and intense and painful that I can't stand them. I want them to be gone. I am so exhausted and tired. It's difficult to keep going when these moods come. I know they will pass but it's still so intense and deep that it's hard not to despair a bit.

Wanting to hide away. I am thinking having a cozy, safe cave to run into would be quite nice. Hide away.

It's almost too much.

And the beginning of the living memories to grieve have come. And in a few weeks will be his first birthday. The first time I held him. My discharge from the hospital without my son. The visits to NICU. The first time he nursed. Christmas Day opening his gifts.

Then we head towards the anniversary of his death in the same time frame as I just lived through since he died.

Gosh is this hard Is this awful. And I want it to be done. I want the grieving to be over. But I don't get to decide that. At times the pain is so awful I want to die. Not that I'm suicidal, it just hurts that much is all. Mark has felt this much pain as well. A wishing that God had taken me instead as I asked before Andrew died.

Happy Anniversary. Happy feeling of pain and longing of missing and loving.