A Tough Night

Thursday night was a tough night. The work day ended with another reminder that my performance is just not what it used to be. That I had forgotten a few steps in condensing data for a monthly report I do for my boss. And oh did I feel bad. Why can't I seem to remember things? Why are things slipping so much anymore? And I drove home crying and exhausted.

When I got home Mark was not in a good place. He had had a very tough day. This was difficult and I wanted to be understanding for him and not add to his struggle but didn't quite achieve that goal.

Mark's been struggling so much with depression. He finds it very difficult to sleep. His body hurts. He keeps having nightmares about all our children dying. Being haunted by memories of picking up his lifeless body off of our bedroom floor. So he was not in a good mood and after one not too particularly good interchange between the two of us, stayed away from me the rest of the evening. That meant it was up to me to clean up supper and get the boys to bed.

It wasn't until that night after the boys went to bed and I was dragging myself to bed after falling asleep sitting up that he came in to the bedroom. I was so exhausted I was hoping he was just coming in to say good-night. But he wasn't. He wanted to talk it out. And what progressed was not one of our better conversations. On a side note, it sure wasn't one of our worse either. We've screwed up communication a whole lot worse on other occasions. And in this case, the conversation was ended before it could go either way better or worse when his phone rang and he left the room. I breathed a sigh of relief. I pulled back the covers, laid down, covered myself up and felt overcome by pain so much so that sobs just poured out me.

It seems like a whole mess of stuff was just crashing down on me in waves as I kept sobbing. Pain. Hurt. Rejection. Fear. Loneliness. Disappointment. Grief. Anger. Bitterness. Uncertainty. Longing. Andrew. Baby. Hurt. Pain. So much pain. Andrew! Agony! Hurt! Emptiness.

This went on for a good 15-20 minutes as my husband talked on the phone down the hallway. Loud sobs I stifled from becoming so loud they would be heard. Sobs that I didn't try to stop since I knew that I was finally letting something out that needed to get out. Sobs that I knew were releasing some of the pain and hurt and whatever else was in me poisoning me for so many weeks now. Sobs that drenched my pillow until finally sleep overcame me.

Tough Times

It's been awful lately.

I have dreamt awful things.

I cry often.

I get so angry.

I am so tired.

I am off on my game at work.

I struggle to be alive.

I want my Andrew back! I miss him!

I don't understand why he's gone!

First Prenatal Dr Visit

I had my first baby doctor appointment last week.

The doctor teased me that it was my annual baby visit. I had to laugh. I love my OB! He's just great! Very personable, knowledgeable and a great ally. And for the last 4 years since we've been here, he's seen me on either the pregnancy side of the baby or the delivery or post-partum part of a baby. So his teasing is accurate.

And all is well. And the ultrasound shows only 1 little bundle. Good strong heartbeat. Just a little anti-social is all. Had its back to us the whole time. And a part of me was hoping that the ultrasound would show no baby and that I was just really late for once.

But it's good to know that baby bundle is doing alright so far. It seems I'm doing alright as well. And the boys were excited to see pictures of their tiny new sibling. Even if they were a bit confused on why it is so small and why they can't know if it's a boy or girl.

And that night I went to sleep and cried telling Andrew we were having another. Feeling the deep pain in my heart of missing him and feeling anew the anguish of losing him. And I pretended I was being held closely and tenderly as my pillow grew wet from the tears.

Emotions Run High or More Accurately a Little Crazy

We lost our son. Our other sons lost their brother.

And life continues on.

Our new normal. Our little house that is very much our home now. Enjoying eating out on our deck. Quiet moments on the deck in the fresh air of the evening after the boys go to bed. Convincing the dog that sleeping with the boys is the way to go now. Playing catch with one son and building space ships and robots with another. Closing out a project at work that I've been working hard at for a year. Mark homeschooling our oldest.

And then there's the pregnancy. Oh my gosh! I'm pregnant! With that comes a belly that grows more quickly than I'd prefer and the two other side effects that are just plain draining and annoying. I find myself displaying drastic and extremely sharp mood swings and, as if that's not enough, bousts of extreme bouts of overly emotional moments. All that means is that I can cry now at the drop of a hat at the most inconvenient time. A commercial on TV can make me cry. Scenes in movies that normally wouldn't make me cry do. I can even become overly emotional in the middle of a work day. Now that when it's rather crazy.

These two things seem to get more dramatic and marked with each pregnancy I have. Next to getting larger earlier and earlier. And gosh I now have the grief process added in for fun.

And how that manifests within me is in trepidation and hesitancy over carrying another child. Concern over this child's birth and life. The pregnancy itself. And anger. Huge, honkin bouts of anger. Flare ups. Sudden. Out of nowhere. Strong. Awful. Hard. And something I dislike.

I have to try to keep my mouth shut at times.

I have to walk away at times. Sometimes I don't catch myself and then I feel bad.

It's almost like watching my life through someone else's eyes and being powerless to do anything about it. Except that that' snot entirely how it is.

And then I cry becuase it's too much.

And Mark. Well Mark is struggling with depression in a significant way. He's in shock that we are pregnant and not sure why God thinks this is a good time for us to have another. And you know what, I wonder too.

Another Saturday - Another Anniversary

It's Saturday. Tomorrow is Andrew's 15 month birthday. Happy Birthday little special!

Funny. It takes a lot more effort to remember the anniversaries now. How odd. Up until his 1 year birthday I could not help but know what day of the month it was and what it represented. And it seems that now, the 4th and the 18th can come and go without a whole lot of notice.

Maybe I should be feeling more freed but it just plain feels odd.

So it's Saturday. I made special lunch today, played a rousing game of Candyland with two of my boys and supper will be a picnic on our deck. We've done that for the last two nights in a row. The weather is so uncharacteristically warm. It's wonderful but odd. For March we should not be in the 70's. But we are enjoying this.

And Mark, for some reason, took off with the boys and has given me the afternoon to enjoy some quiet seclusion. So I've taken a nap. Not unusal with the pregnancy that's for sure. I'm so exhausted all the time. And on Saturdays I just crash. I can accomplish some things but at some point in both morning and afternoon I just suddenly shut down. In other words, whether sitting up or lying down, I conk out for a few hours at a time. And I sleep hard.

So We're Pregnant

When I told Mark that we were pregnant, he started to cry. Mark has never had this reaction when we've learned this news. Granted, tears of joy, yes. But he was afraid. Concerned. And really struggled with being excited.

By the time we found out, the Lord had been working in my heart preparing me for this news. So I was mostly at peace with a bit of trembling and hesitation on the side. Although I did wonder if it was really a good time for this. 

At first, we didn't want to tell anyone. I called a friend who was ecstatic for us. But we waited before spreading the news around.

We were a bit afraid of this new life and what it could bring. We were concerned with the things that we knew we would have to face now in our grief. Walking a similar path that we walked with all of our children but this time, it would be different. This baby's development and birth and first 5 1/2 months of life, would remind of us of the joy of these things with all of our other boys. We always reminisce together about the other pregnancies, births, etc with each one that we've had. But this one .....

This one comes on the heels of the last life only being with us a short time. A life bookended by hospital stays and intensive care units.

What will this stir up in us that we haven't had to deal with yet as we have mourned Andrew's passing? And how will we handle it?

Can I still go to my mommy's group? Or will my pregnancy remind the mothers that struggled for years with infertility only to lose their only or both of their children in tragedy?

How will family and friends react? Will people think it's too soon? Will people think we're nuts? Or that we shouldn't do this?

I tell you this. A part of me hopes for a girl because I think a girl would be easier for all of us to handle. No transference of Andrew to this baby by our boys or us. We've never had a girl to diaper and dress. Then I don't have to figure out yet what to do with Andrew's cloths? Do we put the new baby in the items Andrew wore? Or do we keep those packed away out of sight?

Will I cry every time a milestone passes with this child as I celebrate the wonder of life with this new one and grieve what I lost with Andrew as a mother?

Well, I don't have all the answers. I just know that some may not approve. And that's their opinion. Others will rejoice with us. Some will hesitate for us or be a bit afraid for us. But I do know that for now, God has given us a new little one. And how ever many days this one has, we love it and look forward to sharing with it whether a boy or a girl.

The Dream of Another

I have felt a stirring in me since the New Year started. Nothing constant. Just off and on. A desire that would come and go. Something I thought was probably just me missing Andrew.

I shared this with my sister. How I was starting to want to have another baby and quickly added that I thought it was purely the grief. But the stirring would still start to arise every few days or so.

I didn't think it was wise yet to get pregnant. I also didn't think that Mark was ready for this. And then I began to sense what I always sense when God's about ready to make it happen. I began to sense that the time was coming to get pregnant with our next child. (Some would say this is crazy but I really do get this feeling or knowing or whatever you want to call it that we will get pregnant.)

Of course, at first, I dismissed this as grief or probably just a year warning to help warm me and Mark up to the idea. Afterall, it's hard to know how soon after I start sensing the next one that it will happen. For Matthew it was a good 6 months that I refused. With Andrew I flat out told the Lord, "no" I didn't want to have another unless He's guarantee it was a girl.

After Andrew died, God told me we would have another to give back what we lost. Not that another baby would replace Andrew. No one could. More, God wanting to bless us with another because He knows that we are sad that Andrew was taken from us. (And no, I do not blame God at all for our little special's death.)

Anyway, I figured, oh it was probably not going to happen for awhile. I wasn't ready. I was a bit more willing to consider another pregnancy with Andrew gone. But . . . . . were we all really ready for that. And then I had the dream.

A woman told me that if I was pregnant, the baby would be due on September 14th. I remember doing a double-take in the dream and saying in shock, "what?" And the lady repeated it again. "I said, that if you were pregnant, the baby would be due on September 14th."

I immediately woke up from that and thought, "what?!?"

The next week we found out we were pregnant. And we are due in the fall.

What are you up to Lord?