So We're Pregnant

When I told Mark that we were pregnant, he started to cry. Mark has never had this reaction when we've learned this news. Granted, tears of joy, yes. But he was afraid. Concerned. And really struggled with being excited.

By the time we found out, the Lord had been working in my heart preparing me for this news. So I was mostly at peace with a bit of trembling and hesitation on the side. Although I did wonder if it was really a good time for this. 

At first, we didn't want to tell anyone. I called a friend who was ecstatic for us. But we waited before spreading the news around.

We were a bit afraid of this new life and what it could bring. We were concerned with the things that we knew we would have to face now in our grief. Walking a similar path that we walked with all of our children but this time, it would be different. This baby's development and birth and first 5 1/2 months of life, would remind of us of the joy of these things with all of our other boys. We always reminisce together about the other pregnancies, births, etc with each one that we've had. But this one .....

This one comes on the heels of the last life only being with us a short time. A life bookended by hospital stays and intensive care units.

What will this stir up in us that we haven't had to deal with yet as we have mourned Andrew's passing? And how will we handle it?

Can I still go to my mommy's group? Or will my pregnancy remind the mothers that struggled for years with infertility only to lose their only or both of their children in tragedy?

How will family and friends react? Will people think it's too soon? Will people think we're nuts? Or that we shouldn't do this?

I tell you this. A part of me hopes for a girl because I think a girl would be easier for all of us to handle. No transference of Andrew to this baby by our boys or us. We've never had a girl to diaper and dress. Then I don't have to figure out yet what to do with Andrew's cloths? Do we put the new baby in the items Andrew wore? Or do we keep those packed away out of sight?

Will I cry every time a milestone passes with this child as I celebrate the wonder of life with this new one and grieve what I lost with Andrew as a mother?

Well, I don't have all the answers. I just know that some may not approve. And that's their opinion. Others will rejoice with us. Some will hesitate for us or be a bit afraid for us. But I do know that for now, God has given us a new little one. And how ever many days this one has, we love it and look forward to sharing with it whether a boy or a girl.