Emotions Run High or More Accurately a Little Crazy

We lost our son. Our other sons lost their brother.

And life continues on.

Our new normal. Our little house that is very much our home now. Enjoying eating out on our deck. Quiet moments on the deck in the fresh air of the evening after the boys go to bed. Convincing the dog that sleeping with the boys is the way to go now. Playing catch with one son and building space ships and robots with another. Closing out a project at work that I've been working hard at for a year. Mark homeschooling our oldest.

And then there's the pregnancy. Oh my gosh! I'm pregnant! With that comes a belly that grows more quickly than I'd prefer and the two other side effects that are just plain draining and annoying. I find myself displaying drastic and extremely sharp mood swings and, as if that's not enough, bousts of extreme bouts of overly emotional moments. All that means is that I can cry now at the drop of a hat at the most inconvenient time. A commercial on TV can make me cry. Scenes in movies that normally wouldn't make me cry do. I can even become overly emotional in the middle of a work day. Now that when it's rather crazy.

These two things seem to get more dramatic and marked with each pregnancy I have. Next to getting larger earlier and earlier. And gosh I now have the grief process added in for fun.

And how that manifests within me is in trepidation and hesitancy over carrying another child. Concern over this child's birth and life. The pregnancy itself. And anger. Huge, honkin bouts of anger. Flare ups. Sudden. Out of nowhere. Strong. Awful. Hard. And something I dislike.

I have to try to keep my mouth shut at times.

I have to walk away at times. Sometimes I don't catch myself and then I feel bad.

It's almost like watching my life through someone else's eyes and being powerless to do anything about it. Except that that' snot entirely how it is.

And then I cry becuase it's too much.

And Mark. Well Mark is struggling with depression in a significant way. He's in shock that we are pregnant and not sure why God thinks this is a good time for us to have another. And you know what, I wonder too.