The Hauntings Continue

With an early spring, comes the chirp of the birds, the fresh breeze and the general smell of freshness in the air. Green grass. Flowers blooming. And the beautiful scent of lilacs and other trees that bear flowering blossoms this time of year. And I have been overjoyed to learn that our house has 3 lilac bushes to add to the enjoyment of this fragrant time of year. Gosh if I had only known last fall. But it is a most welcome surprise and delight to add to the blessing that this house is to us.

I continue being pregnant. The baby is now getting to close to 3 months. And Mark and I still waver between being excited and happy to have another little one on the way to being quite uncertain and hesitant. I look forward to holding another little tiny person in my arms again. And yet am dreading having a little tiny person to wonder if they will live very long.

Mark's struggling so much with this one that he's told me we are done. He doesn't want any more kids. He keeps dreaming about our children dying. And then starts crying and says he keeps seeing Andrew's dead body lifeless in his arms. That he can't stand that memory. That he can't seem to erase it from his mind and never will be able to. So he doesn't seem to want more kids because he's afraid all of our children are going to die and he doesn't know how he would cope with that. That's hard, is what I think to myself and try to give him a look that says I care and I am so sorry.

Gosh I hate that he's going through that. I only have the torture of watching the doctors bring him back to life in the ER, standing by his bedside as he lay in a medically induced coma for 48 hours and then the awful moment of learning that he is brain dead and will be removed from the machines soon so that his body can be taken by the medical examiner's office. And that's bad enough.

My memory of holding his lifeless body as his heart beat its last was awful enough. And seeing him turn blue was just horrendous.

But I don't have the horror of finding him lifeless and trying to bring him back to life myself in our apartment. Mark is the one who has that horrible moment etched into his mind for the remainder of his life.

And only God can help him move beyond that.