No One Got to Meet Him

Life is very surreal after you lose your baby.

I remember that less than 48 hours after Andrew had died, my husband and I found ourselves at a funeral home with a very nice garden. I kept looking out the window at the garden whenever the funeral director or her coordinator left the room. And I would often think of how beautiful the garden was. How idyllic life looked as the sun shone brightly down on all this lush greenery and flowers.

Pastor Quimby and Sandra accompanied us on this occassion. They were sent by our church to be with us as we learned of Andrew's bleak condition.

Our head pastor was unable to come since he was preparing for church. Our church has services on Saturday nights and Sunday mornings.

Oddly, we had  never met Pastor Quimby and his wife before that moment. What a way to meet people!

They were very kind and compassionate. Very understanding. They were new at our church. Had just arrived a few weeks or days earlier or something.

They were kind of like grandparents to us. Wisdom. Understanding. Caring. Patient.

So we're sitting there being asked questions we never thought we would think about for Andrew.
What day should we have the funeral
Who will do the ceremony
Burial or cremation
Musical selections for the funeral
What flowers do we want to pick

Flowers? I had no idea. What do you do for flowers? I just wanted my son back. My head swam as I looked through the book of flower selections.

We often glazed over. We cried. We giggled. They asked us what Andrew was like.

About the boys.

And they never rushed us. They would even tell us that we didn't have to decide certain things until the next day or Wednesday. That was a relief to not have to decide on everything right away.

What did we bring for his personal affects was one of the more sorrowful and moments. It took me quite awhile to figure out what to bring the day before. And was torture to look through his little things. So painful I can't even write of it right now. One of the more agonizing moments. . .

I brought out the plastic bag that held his most dear possessions. A quilt he got in NICU from a generous family that wanted to bless us as we celebrated his first Christmas in the hospital. Another blanket that he also got in the hospital. It lays under him still.

But the outfit. The outfit I chose was this adorable 3 month old Mickey Mouse shirt and matching trousers. It was an outfit Andrew got. It was no dress outfit like most are buried in. But it didn't seem right that he be put into a suit. Although he would have looked extremely adorable and handsome, he had never worn one. So I looked through all of his outfits to find something that was his alone. I couldn't bear the thought of another wearing anything that was new for him. To this day I still struggle with that. All that he wore, whether his prior brothers wore it or it was new, are packed away in a plastic storage bin.

The outfit was so cute. I loved putting him in it. A favorite of mine. I thought he would be showed off well in that.

Obviously we chose an open casket.

No one got to meet him. We had to hide him away to protect him from germs and illness. At least we would have one moment where all could meet him.