The First Evening Without Andrew Part 2

After the boys came home and we told them what had happened, I began to feel congested. Crowded. Stifled. Anxious. Restless. I told Mark I had to go for a walk. Quinby and Sandra were still there to help him get the boys to bed and I headed out. Grandma Jean was there too to assist.

I couldn't get down those stairs fast enough and get away. It was too much.

Quickly I walked out of our complex and down the road. I walked for a good hour solid around the nearby high school. Going in circles around the building. Talking to God. Trying to sort it out. Crying. Sobbing. Dying inside. Wanting to escape the pain. Not believing that he was gone.

At one point I stopped and seemed to be in another place. I knew the place. It was a hallway and I saw a little girl holding a baby in her arms. I knew immediately who it was and the tears began to flow as my heart lifted a little. There he was. There was Andrew. It seems the little girl was talking to him and explaining things. He was content and at rest. She was beaming with pride to be with him. I was seeing my daughter, Lexi.

"And in there is the great hall. You'll love that place. You can dance there with me. And next I'll take you to . . . " She was just far enough away that I couldn't hear her anymore. And my mouth dropped open in wonder. There they were. The two children I have lost that were now together.

For some reason, I was filled with pride that Lexi was taking care of him and showing him around his new neighborhood. His new home. And I slight smile crossed my face before the frown and pain returned. My head fell again as the tears returned generously and the pain pulsed in my chest. Slowly I began to move my lead feet and returned to my walk.

Later that night, as I sat down on my bed to lay down, I just kept laying there. This was the room where he slept with us. Tonight there was no need for shifts. It seemed weird. "Oh I should make . . ." I started to say to myself turning my body. Then I stopped myself hanging my head low. "I don't need to make bottles tonight." And my voice cracked as began to tremble. "Andrew doesn't need bottles anymore." I said with a sad voice and I hunched over on my side until my head laid at the foot of the bed.

I refused to look at Andrew's pack and play or the changing table next to it. It just stung.

I sat up again and was trying to get myself to go to sleep. But I couldn't bring myself to get under the covers even though I was exhausted. I looked out the window at the view I had seen for the past 2 years as I went to bed and felt a tug.
When I looked I was in that place again and just stopped breathing. ............................. Before me stood Lexi holding Andrew in her arms balancing him on her right hip. She was smiling. She was so beautiful and looked so cute. She was about the age of 5 and was wearing a very darling dress, tights and dress shoes to match. And Andrew was in his little pajamas smiling all big at me. My little special.

"Hi mommy."

"Hello Lexi."

"I'm so glad that Andrew is here with me."

Tears stained my eyes yet again. This was becoming too common. I was tired of crying and yet couldn't do anything else.

I just smiled and couldn't speak.

"I have shown him all around mommy and am taking good care of him."

Andrew just kept beaming and starting wiggling up and down with excitement. He looked wonderful.

"I know sweetheart." I replied.

It was odd. I could feel their excitement to be together. The peace. The love. The rest. The stillness and calm. And even though I knew that Lexi had not lacked at all for these last 4 years or been alone it was still nice to see that she was being the big sister. Taking care of my little squirt. I was proud of her for what she was doing with Andrew. And Andrew.............well, even though I also knew that he lacked nothing now, was still glad to see he was with his sister. I couldn't help but feel a bit of happiness that they had each other. But the pain followed closely behind because I couldn't touch him or hold him. She was doing what I longed to do the most. Hold him and take care of him.

"We love you mom!" Lexi exclaimed.

"I love you too." I blurted out as the moment faded away. I stared blankly at the wall as I felt myself just sitting on the edge of the bed still seeing them in my mind's eye.