A Realization With All of the Wrappings

It is Wednesday night.

Oh my gosh it's only Wednesday night. I could almost swear this week has worn on like I'm dragging heavy weights in my shoes.

And despite enjoying a short visit with a good friend and having random moments of joking around at short times throughout the day, I am very much struggling today. Scattered. Unfocused. Down in heart. Fallen in face. Eyes trying not to connect with anyone for too long for fear I will be discovered. Feeling extreme depths of sorrow and aching in my heart. And there it is again - the grief.

Some moments I could converse with people fine. Get diffeerent things done. Interact as though it was a normal day. Well, it was a normal day in most senses. It's just that . . . . . . . I miss Andrew. And I can't seem to ignore it very easily today.

In fact, the pain swelled up so much that it eventually pours out of my eyes. Heavy tears that start out slow and then gain momentum as they drop onto my arm. Emotions that sting within my head. Feelings that make me want to hide and press the pause button of life. Thoughts that turn often to my son who has gone before us.

I think I am really realizing that Andrew is gone and will not come back.

That may seem odd to some or not make any sense at all to others. But it's kind of how it is. You can't believe it. I can't believe it. One moment he was with us and the next, I'm panicking over his unconscious body wondering if he's going to live or not. And then thinking that he can't die. He's too young. It's not his time. And then a streak of terror as I think that he may die . . . . . . and oh my gosh . . . . . . how do I deal with that? . . . . . .How do I live with that? . . . . . . Life will seem so empty without his little life shining in ours. . . . . Such a huge hole will be created. . . . . . . My little special. My one son that I really seemed to connect to and bond with so strongly.

And then I realize another thing. I'm starting to not remember him as clearly. At times, his face looks fuzzy in my mind's eye. His darling giggle isn't as clear. His touch. That seems to be slipping away too. And the look of affection in his eyes that just got my heart every time is beginning to fade. Gosh do I wish we had gotten him on video. But we didn't and it makes me cry. We also only have 1 family picture with him. A picture I will frame and hang on our wall when we're able to hang pictures of him.

It took me 3 hours to clean up the kitchen tonight becuase I was so paralyzed by what I felt. This frustrated my husband. I didn't tell him until the kids were down what was going on. I was trying to hold it together for the boys so that I didn't just start wailing. I really just wanted to go anywhere but home and be a wife and mother tonight and take care of housekeeping things needed on a daily basis.

Silly me. Grieving me. But I came home as I was supposed to. When my husband took our oldest to get groceries, I had a movie on for the youngest two and stepped outside onto my deck. I sat down and tried to lose myself in the chirping of the crickets.The smell of the freshly cut grass in our yard. The still of the evening and the slight touch of cooling and night slowing descending on my shaded backyard. I pretended I was out in the country. And let the hurt manifest itself. And I cried and to lift my spirits, imagined that a dear friend had stopped by to say hello and see the new place and saw my tears before I could hide them. So they sat down near me to listen and offer encouragement and a hug.

After a few minutes I shook my head, collected myself, wiped away the tears and went back in the house.

Andrew may be gone but life still goes on. And no one knows that I am screaming inside my head and soul, "Andrew!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  No!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" right now. And few seem to even see the tears I quickly brush away as I notice them approaching at work and do my best to put on a face of a professional. And life goes on and will keep moving on even though very few people will remember that next Tuesday marks the 4 month anniversary of his death. But then again, I don't know the anniversary date of many of the losses of my loved ones that I hold dear.

Funny how your perspective changes when you walk through something, isn't it.

Gosh. Andrew is gone.