Processing the Grief and a Poem

It will be 4 months next week.

In some ways it seems like it was just yesterday. In other ways it seems like it was ages ago.

I’m reading a book called Heaven is For Real. It’s about a 4 year old boy that was in the hospital, fighting for his life and what happened to him during that time. Years later, he began to tell his father about the angels that sang to him so that he wouldn’t be so afraid. How he was sitting on Jesus’ lap and other things about heaven.

Naturally, it brings back the memories of Andrew in the ER and in Intensive Care. The emotions. The thoughts. The fears. The anger. The pain. The hope you hope against all hope. The terror that your child is going to die. The thoughts of how are you going to deal with the death of your child. The refusal to give in to those thoughts. And then the roller coaster taking you back down to the deep places of uncertainty and raw pain over the possibility of losing your child.

And yet I read on because . . . another little boy said he sat in Jesus’ lap when he was in a similar situation. And I think . . . “How about that. Jesus REALLY was holding my boy. He REALLY was comforting him as he was probably terrified at all that was going on that he didn’t understand.”

Then I feel a bit of comfort knowing that he REALLY was being cared for through it all. And that he was seeing us through it all. Hearing what we said. Seeing  our tireless vigil by his side. Knowing our tears and listening to how we spoke lovingly and hopefully to him. How we struggled. How we ached. How we longed. He knew it all.

We have been fortunate that many people have not spoken to us about how we should feel, react or anything like that. But a few have shared with us things that they thought were encouraging or kind and compassionate when they did not come across that way. And on these few occasions, I sit there and look away. My face falls. I tear up and feel like I could be blown away like a leaf as I say, “Will you stop already. Do you really think that you are comforting me with these things?”

I know he’s okay. I know he’s in a wonderful place. I know I will see him again one day. And I know that God will work this out for good and that He is a God of purpose.

It angers me when people try to say things like this. Drains me. Hurts me. Even with these things being true and good and even providing hope, it doesn’t mean I hurt any less. Don’t you get it? I don’t get to hear him say, “ma ma” for the first time. Be amazed that he rolled over. I’ll never know if he would have crawled backwards like crazy and wondered if he was going to figure out he should go forwards or not. Burst with joy as he pulls himself up the first time. Know that he prefers carrots over lima beans. I don’t get to see him take his first step. I don’t get to experience a first day of school with him. Learn of his first kiss. Attend his graduation from high school and college. Cry with joy on his wedding day or hold his first child. I don’t get to have these things!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Don’t you get it!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I don’t get to share in his life anymore! I had 5 ½ months. The most wonderful 5 ½ months and then he was stolen from me. That’s it in this life. AND IT HURTS!!!!!!!!!! And it should hurt because

he

was

my

son.

I carried him in my womb. I felt his first movements. I knew he was afraid when my water broke early since he stopped moving for 24 hours afterwards. I bear the scar of where he was taken out of me. I nursed him and nurtured him when he was like a tiny doll. SO DON’T TELL ME RIGHT NOW THAT GOD IS GOOD, HAS A PLAN AND I WILL BE REUNITED WITH ANDREW AGAIN AS THOUGH I DON’T KNOW THESE THINGS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I do. I am VERY aware of these things.

And the truths about God’s character, which is unchanging, constant and eternally good, and the fact that heaven is the most wonderful place that I will get to enjoy one day with him, doesn’t change the fact that I miss him terribly!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THAT MY HEART ACHES FOR HIM AND LONGS TO HOLD HIM CLOSE AND KISS HIM AND BE WITH HIM.

It won’t give me back the ability to share in the things you should share with your child. And that is what hurts the most next to just plain missing him.

 

It won’t stop the tears I shed.

 

It won’t make the loss or hole in my life fade.

 

For now, I have to walk through this. I have to acknowledge all these different waves of emotions and work through them. I have to be allowed to grieve. Cry. Shed tears. And feel raw at times. And I have to be allowed to grieve as his various milestones come and go. And to grieve with my children. This is healthy. This is normal. And it’s not necessarily very fun. But it is what it is.

Oh Jesus, I miss my boy so much!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And it hurts. I need for you to carry me because I can’t do this without you.

One More Time

By kk
 

To see you one more time,

My wish to the Divine.
To hold you near
To nestle you so close.

To kiss you one more time,

To touch you one more time,
To stroke your cheek
To look into your eyes.

To hear your little voice,

To see your loving gaze,
To share with you
To tell you things so true.

To see you one more time,

A longing that is mine.
I'll hold you near
I wait to draw you close.