Today's was Lynn's first outing to my work. We had an appointment and then I proudly walked into the office that I work in and showed her off to those that were there. And boy did it feel good. Everyone thought she was precious as she just slept the whole time as I passed her off to some of my friends.
And like on Sunday, some of the ones that I wanted to meet her the very most were not in or their schedule didn't allow for the introduction. A bummer but I'll live. I figured there would be some that wouldn't be available and that is just how it goes.
I even joked that since today was Halloween that I had the perfect costume to go trick or treating in. I would dress up as a mother on maternity leave out with her newborn baby. And I had the perfect prop for the baby. I still chuckle at how silly that is. I'm such a dork.
Oddly she wasn't herself this evening. Almost like this afternoon was too much for her. She was very clingy tonight. The first time she has done that. Perhaps I should be more careful next time. I can't stand to have her upset.
There will probably be another time for me to show off her darlingness to those that haven't met her yet. Interesting I don't bank on that. Not that we're fatalistic or pessimistic or wishing for the worst, but it's a struggle to think that she'll stay with us. Mark keeps checking her to make sure she's still alive. He still has nightmares about Andrew. And now they have evolved into Lynn. How awful is that? He panics if she sleeps too soundly. Or too long.
He even panicked like that at the end of the pregnancy. One morning I slept in until 10, he came into the room. I was just starting to begin the process of waking when I felt him grab my ankle. It had been uncovered quite a bit the night before so it was cool to the touch. I heard him gasp and he got onto the bed all anxious and could hear his breathing change to nervousness as he felt my neck trying to find a pulse. So I grunted a bit and began to move and I heard him let out a huge sigh of relief and sniffle. Then I knew what I thought he might be thinking. He thought I was dead.
How hard this has been on him. I only have a touch of the grief. He's living a hardship and I hope he can move past it soon so that Lynn doesn't lose some of her dad.
Wednesday, October 31, 2012
Tuesday, October 30, 2012
Introductions and Tears
On Sunday, I proudly paraded our little girl around the sanctuary at church showing Lynn off to everyone who would listen. Well, okay I wasn't quite that bad but I did parade her around like a prize that she is. She is one of my treasures in this life. It was great to introduce her to a few of my friends. It was a bit discouraging though. It seemed like there were a lot of people who weren't there.
This week I have an appointment in the capitol city with Lynn. So I'm planning on taking her downtown to meet my friends from work.
And in the midst of being so excited to show her off I find myself choked up at times this week. It's just off and on really. Here and there. As I feel such a strong sense of pride and joy over being able to share her with those I love and care for, I feel such pain.
I never got to do this with Andrew. We were always so paranoid about the germs since he was premature and so fragile. Only a handful of people met him. At church, no one could touch him or hold him. I was so afraid he was going to get sick. The NICU told us to be so very careful with him and that if he got sick he would get VERY sick. He only had 1 cold in his little lifetime.He only threw up once. Lynn has thrown up lots of times. In fact, just a few hours ago she doused me with another round.
I was always so concerned about the germs. And the germs didn't get him.
I don't have to be concerned as much with Lynn. So I'm passing her around and showing her off and grieving that I didn't get to do the same thing with Andrew.
My plan was to bring him in to work the second week of June. The week after his death. The week where family, friends and colleagues met him. Met him as he lay in his casket at the visitation. So I got my way but not quite in the way I was thinking I would.
It doesn't seem fair to feel such contrasting emotions. I suppose this will not be the last time.
This week I have an appointment in the capitol city with Lynn. So I'm planning on taking her downtown to meet my friends from work.
And in the midst of being so excited to show her off I find myself choked up at times this week. It's just off and on really. Here and there. As I feel such a strong sense of pride and joy over being able to share her with those I love and care for, I feel such pain.
I never got to do this with Andrew. We were always so paranoid about the germs since he was premature and so fragile. Only a handful of people met him. At church, no one could touch him or hold him. I was so afraid he was going to get sick. The NICU told us to be so very careful with him and that if he got sick he would get VERY sick. He only had 1 cold in his little lifetime.He only threw up once. Lynn has thrown up lots of times. In fact, just a few hours ago she doused me with another round.
I was always so concerned about the germs. And the germs didn't get him.
I don't have to be concerned as much with Lynn. So I'm passing her around and showing her off and grieving that I didn't get to do the same thing with Andrew.
My plan was to bring him in to work the second week of June. The week after his death. The week where family, friends and colleagues met him. Met him as he lay in his casket at the visitation. So I got my way but not quite in the way I was thinking I would.
It doesn't seem fair to feel such contrasting emotions. I suppose this will not be the last time.
Friday, October 26, 2012
Grief in the Midst of the Joy
I was holding the little treasure, my other term of endearment for our dear daughter, the other day. Snuggling her close. Cherishing the moment of having her head near mine, her little body laying against my chest upright as I stabilized her head and gently laid my cheek against the top of her head. I was just loving on her as she was having some wakey time. (A key to switching her from the nighttime schedule to day.)
Suddenly I was overcome with the rising emotion. It rose up so slowly at first I didn't notice its tidal wave that it brought until I sensed it begin to crash down on me. This sudden sense of remorse and sorrow and pain over Andrew. I often held him like that. It was one of our favorite ways to hang out together. And here I was doing it again but it wasn't him.
It was such an odd mix to feel as it combined with my joy over being close to my daughter and enjoying spending time with her. And it caught me so off guard that I lifted my head up and closed my eyes.
I don't feel guilty for having another child. For being excited about having her. For loving her and wanting her and enjoying her. It's not like that. I'm not sure what it was really.
And then, before the wave actually hit me, it just disappeared. Dissipated. Evaporated. Dissolved. And was no more.
I wonder what else may come during all of this.
I intend to blog until this little one is 5 1/2 months old and possibly even until the 2 year anniversary of Andrew's death. It's hard to know how these milestones will hit me and my family as have a new addition to our family.
Suddenly I was overcome with the rising emotion. It rose up so slowly at first I didn't notice its tidal wave that it brought until I sensed it begin to crash down on me. This sudden sense of remorse and sorrow and pain over Andrew. I often held him like that. It was one of our favorite ways to hang out together. And here I was doing it again but it wasn't him.
It was such an odd mix to feel as it combined with my joy over being close to my daughter and enjoying spending time with her. And it caught me so off guard that I lifted my head up and closed my eyes.
I don't feel guilty for having another child. For being excited about having her. For loving her and wanting her and enjoying her. It's not like that. I'm not sure what it was really.
And then, before the wave actually hit me, it just disappeared. Dissipated. Evaporated. Dissolved. And was no more.
I wonder what else may come during all of this.
I intend to blog until this little one is 5 1/2 months old and possibly even until the 2 year anniversary of Andrew's death. It's hard to know how these milestones will hit me and my family as have a new addition to our family.
Thursday, October 25, 2012
Hauntings of Death Amidst New Life
So we have this new little bundle of life in the house.
One of my dear friends I spoke to early one morning this week, and one of my absolute favorite people in all the world, asked me, "So what is like having a girl in the house?"
I smiled into the phone as I sat in the recliner with her in my arms and replied, "It's wonderful."
The boys just adore her and gently pat her little head. Mark doesn't seem to mind all the pink that he seemed to object to before her arrival. And I am just so glad she's here.
So how does this affect our grief? Does it affect our grief?
Well, I think it's given the boys something to help them get beyond the pain of losing Andrew in a way. For Mark and I it's an interesting bag.
Just before she came, Mark had nightmares again about finding Andrew's lifeless body in our bedroom the day of the accident. Oddly, I had the same image, what I imagine it looked like anyway, running through my mind.
Then after she was born, as they finished up getting her measurements, Mark stayed with the little wonder, as I often call her, as they finished with me. I looked over at one point as he reached out his hand and she grasped his finger. I thought that was so precious and watched as his face became overcome with emotion. Amidst the hustle and bustle around me of the nurses and the doctor, I saw him look down at the floor and his mouth turn into a frown and a look of pain wash over his face. Quickly he let go of her grip and walked away. The doctors and nurses were all very aware of Andrew and that this birth may find us facing some "interesting" emotions. So they knew that he may be needing some support and asked him if he was alright.
They helped him to the rocker that was nearby and his voice broke as he said, "Andrew." They immediately knew what he was talking about and listened. From across the room I felt so bad for him and felt awful I couldn't go to him to try to comfort him. Soon he stood up and came over to the right side of the bed where I lay and I asked him what happened.
"Suddenly all I could think of was when the photographer came up to the hospital and took pictures of us holding Andrew's hand." He was remembering the last hour we spent with our son before they told us he was brain dead. But the mood in the room and among the staff clearly said something was not good about Andrew's condition. This photographer would go around to families who were losing their loved ones and would take pictures of you holding their hand or your rings on the toes or whatever. She donated her services as a way of giving you some lasting mementos of your loved one. These are some of the most heart-wrenching images as we said good-bye to our son. It's not a CD we will probably pull out very often at all. Few will see the gut-wrenching pain we were walking through in those moments that she documented.
So hearing that Mark had just had a flashback to that....
Oh wow. I thought. That's heavy to experience while at the exact opposite moment in our daughter's life. That's tough.
"I'm sorry Mark." I said to him as I hoped these moments would be few for him.
One of my dear friends I spoke to early one morning this week, and one of my absolute favorite people in all the world, asked me, "So what is like having a girl in the house?"
I smiled into the phone as I sat in the recliner with her in my arms and replied, "It's wonderful."
The boys just adore her and gently pat her little head. Mark doesn't seem to mind all the pink that he seemed to object to before her arrival. And I am just so glad she's here.
So how does this affect our grief? Does it affect our grief?
Well, I think it's given the boys something to help them get beyond the pain of losing Andrew in a way. For Mark and I it's an interesting bag.
Just before she came, Mark had nightmares again about finding Andrew's lifeless body in our bedroom the day of the accident. Oddly, I had the same image, what I imagine it looked like anyway, running through my mind.
Then after she was born, as they finished up getting her measurements, Mark stayed with the little wonder, as I often call her, as they finished with me. I looked over at one point as he reached out his hand and she grasped his finger. I thought that was so precious and watched as his face became overcome with emotion. Amidst the hustle and bustle around me of the nurses and the doctor, I saw him look down at the floor and his mouth turn into a frown and a look of pain wash over his face. Quickly he let go of her grip and walked away. The doctors and nurses were all very aware of Andrew and that this birth may find us facing some "interesting" emotions. So they knew that he may be needing some support and asked him if he was alright.
They helped him to the rocker that was nearby and his voice broke as he said, "Andrew." They immediately knew what he was talking about and listened. From across the room I felt so bad for him and felt awful I couldn't go to him to try to comfort him. Soon he stood up and came over to the right side of the bed where I lay and I asked him what happened.
"Suddenly all I could think of was when the photographer came up to the hospital and took pictures of us holding Andrew's hand." He was remembering the last hour we spent with our son before they told us he was brain dead. But the mood in the room and among the staff clearly said something was not good about Andrew's condition. This photographer would go around to families who were losing their loved ones and would take pictures of you holding their hand or your rings on the toes or whatever. She donated her services as a way of giving you some lasting mementos of your loved one. These are some of the most heart-wrenching images as we said good-bye to our son. It's not a CD we will probably pull out very often at all. Few will see the gut-wrenching pain we were walking through in those moments that she documented.
So hearing that Mark had just had a flashback to that....
Oh wow. I thought. That's heavy to experience while at the exact opposite moment in our daughter's life. That's tough.
"I'm sorry Mark." I said to him as I hoped these moments would be few for him.
World - Meet Our Little Girl
It was 3:49 pm last Thursday and I was exhausted. My mind was wondering how many more pushes it would take when the nurse said, "KayKay, look down." At first it didn't register but when she repeated the command, I opened my eyes after pushing and looked. To my surprise, I saw a small, little head with wet, matted black hair emerging followed by a wrinkled little face and quickly a small, frail body. I opened my mouth in awe as my daughter was placed on a towel on my belly and the doctors, nurses and the rest of the neonatal team let out their congratulations and sounds of excitement over seeing her arrive.
Since I had requested that I have time to bond with her before she was taken to be measured and ran through the APGAR testing, they immediately moved her closer to me and I placed her newly born body next to mine and began speaking softly to her of how glad I was to meet her and how much I loved her. She was perfect. She was beautiful. And she had finally arrived.
After 13 1/2 hours of active labor, here she finally was and I was ecstatic. Exhausted but ecstatic. I could hardly believe that I was finally holding her and was seeing the usual response that always thrills me and awes me. The look on her face where she stopped crying and got this look like, "wait, I know that voice. I know who this is." And the settling that comes as she laid down her head and stopped crying.
Weighing 8 pounds, 4 ounces, she is our largest baby in weight. At 20 inches, she is our second longest baby. Arriving at 40 weeks and 3 days, she is the second longest pregnancy I have endured and her labor was the 2nd longest. She handled it great and I got what I wanted. A vaginal birth without assistance. God was good and gave me the strength to wait until it was time. And the doctor did not feel any tearing of the uterine wall where Andrew's incision was made. Thank you Lord.
By the end of the evening, we decided to name her Lynn. (A pseudonym for this blog like her brother's names.) And within an hour of being born, I got another present. She began rooting and I nursed her. It was a wonderful feeling and so satisfying after a week long starting and stopping of labor daily.
And now as I write this, she lays in her bouncy seat with big, blue eyes open as her pajamas display pink elephants and the phrase, "My Peanut". A nickname my mom used to call me when I was growing up.
Of course, I have told her about Andrew as I have told her about all her brothers. And I cherish that this time, we got to hold her right away. And this time, we got to bring our child home when I came home. And this time, we enjoy how our sons giggle like giddy school boys when they look at her and relish having a baby sister. This time we celebrate God's grace in our lives to bring both baby and I through safely and in good health. We celebrate our newest addition and know that Andrew is celebrating right along with us.
Since I had requested that I have time to bond with her before she was taken to be measured and ran through the APGAR testing, they immediately moved her closer to me and I placed her newly born body next to mine and began speaking softly to her of how glad I was to meet her and how much I loved her. She was perfect. She was beautiful. And she had finally arrived.
After 13 1/2 hours of active labor, here she finally was and I was ecstatic. Exhausted but ecstatic. I could hardly believe that I was finally holding her and was seeing the usual response that always thrills me and awes me. The look on her face where she stopped crying and got this look like, "wait, I know that voice. I know who this is." And the settling that comes as she laid down her head and stopped crying.
Weighing 8 pounds, 4 ounces, she is our largest baby in weight. At 20 inches, she is our second longest baby. Arriving at 40 weeks and 3 days, she is the second longest pregnancy I have endured and her labor was the 2nd longest. She handled it great and I got what I wanted. A vaginal birth without assistance. God was good and gave me the strength to wait until it was time. And the doctor did not feel any tearing of the uterine wall where Andrew's incision was made. Thank you Lord.
By the end of the evening, we decided to name her Lynn. (A pseudonym for this blog like her brother's names.) And within an hour of being born, I got another present. She began rooting and I nursed her. It was a wonderful feeling and so satisfying after a week long starting and stopping of labor daily.
And now as I write this, she lays in her bouncy seat with big, blue eyes open as her pajamas display pink elephants and the phrase, "My Peanut". A nickname my mom used to call me when I was growing up.
Of course, I have told her about Andrew as I have told her about all her brothers. And I cherish that this time, we got to hold her right away. And this time, we got to bring our child home when I came home. And this time, we enjoy how our sons giggle like giddy school boys when they look at her and relish having a baby sister. This time we celebrate God's grace in our lives to bring both baby and I through safely and in good health. We celebrate our newest addition and know that Andrew is celebrating right along with us.
Friday, October 12, 2012
Happy Birthday Comin' Out
Lunch today was nothing special except that the boys are getting excited to meet their sister. I was glad to tell them that it would be any day now. Samuel got all excited and exclaimed that their sister's first birthday was coming soon. Mark asked him, "do you want to sing her happy birthday on her first birthday?" "Can I?" he asked all aglow. "You certainly could." I said. "Yeah!" exclaimed Samuel,"She's comin' out!"
Ryan immediately began to sing.
"Happy Birthday comin' out. happy birthday comin' out. Happy birthday dear comin' out. happy birthday comin' out."
Mark and I couldn't help but start to chuckle. Gosh is he a card.
On another note, I had another dr appointment today. I have had to go to the dr about 2 times per week the last 2 weeks to have a non-stress test for the baby and my dr check-in where they see if you are progressing at all in labor. As usual, baby girl eventually passed her test and the dr said that I am not making any progress in labor according to what the dr can check at this point. (I don't accept that assessment since she has short fingers and couldn't actually reach my cervix.)
My due date is Monday so today was an important discussion on what will happen since there are no signs that I am progressing towards a vaginal birth. (Again, I don't accept this assessment.) Despite my extreme discomfort, I told the doctor that I really do not want to have a C-section if I can avoid it. If she's in trouble or I am in danger, that is one thing but to just schedule something without giving me time to go into labor on my own really saddens me. And amazingly, the doctor said she would give me another week to go into labor. Then there would be no further delays. Either I would start labor on my own and keep progressing on my own or they will schedule me for the procedure.
I was ecstatic. The only contingency is that I have to come in on Tuesday, if there is no baby, and have an ultrasound done to make sure she is okay. If she scores well, I can stay pregnant. If she doesn't, they will schedule the C-section. I told her that was fine, I was glad that were willing to give me the chance to have her on my own.
I walked out of the office with lifted spirits. Somehow the belly didn't seem quite as heavy and I got home and cried for joy that the pressure is off to produce a baby.
Mark was surprised. With how uncomfortable I am, he thought I would give in and just let them have their way. "It means that much to me to try to give birth to her myself that I would fore go my comfort a bit longer if I can have that opportunity." Was my response. He said that must be the case and he was glad I stood my ground.
After supper, I asked the boys to gather around me we were going to pray and invite little sister to come out and join us. They put their little hands on my belly and began telling their sister they wanted to meet her. Mark and I prayed for baby to come with them. Every once in awhile the boys would bend over and say, "come out baby sister!"
Yes, come forth little one. It is time for you to come.
Ryan immediately began to sing.
"Happy Birthday comin' out. happy birthday comin' out. Happy birthday dear comin' out. happy birthday comin' out."
Mark and I couldn't help but start to chuckle. Gosh is he a card.
On another note, I had another dr appointment today. I have had to go to the dr about 2 times per week the last 2 weeks to have a non-stress test for the baby and my dr check-in where they see if you are progressing at all in labor. As usual, baby girl eventually passed her test and the dr said that I am not making any progress in labor according to what the dr can check at this point. (I don't accept that assessment since she has short fingers and couldn't actually reach my cervix.)
My due date is Monday so today was an important discussion on what will happen since there are no signs that I am progressing towards a vaginal birth. (Again, I don't accept this assessment.) Despite my extreme discomfort, I told the doctor that I really do not want to have a C-section if I can avoid it. If she's in trouble or I am in danger, that is one thing but to just schedule something without giving me time to go into labor on my own really saddens me. And amazingly, the doctor said she would give me another week to go into labor. Then there would be no further delays. Either I would start labor on my own and keep progressing on my own or they will schedule me for the procedure.
I was ecstatic. The only contingency is that I have to come in on Tuesday, if there is no baby, and have an ultrasound done to make sure she is okay. If she scores well, I can stay pregnant. If she doesn't, they will schedule the C-section. I told her that was fine, I was glad that were willing to give me the chance to have her on my own.
I walked out of the office with lifted spirits. Somehow the belly didn't seem quite as heavy and I got home and cried for joy that the pressure is off to produce a baby.
Mark was surprised. With how uncomfortable I am, he thought I would give in and just let them have their way. "It means that much to me to try to give birth to her myself that I would fore go my comfort a bit longer if I can have that opportunity." Was my response. He said that must be the case and he was glad I stood my ground.
After supper, I asked the boys to gather around me we were going to pray and invite little sister to come out and join us. They put their little hands on my belly and began telling their sister they wanted to meet her. Mark and I prayed for baby to come with them. Every once in awhile the boys would bend over and say, "come out baby sister!"
Yes, come forth little one. It is time for you to come.
Thursday, October 11, 2012
Waiting with Anticipation
Still no baby.
I packed more of a my suitcase for the hospital as it seemed I was in labor yet again today. It seemed so promising. So I am a bit blue tonight. No little girl in my arms. Still a belly that keeps hanging over more and more and more pressure on my pelvis making my walking even more awkward.
Mark went into the garage and got out some more baby items. The bouncy seat and car seat we got just for Andrew.
I have wondered if this would be hard for me. But it turns out that I have looked at both and am fine. I am excited. I am happy. In short, I am fine. I am reminded of my little special but there is no grief or pain. No hurt or anger. Nothing negative. I look at them and remember Andrew. I see these items that only Andrew used and still look to the future of our little girl using them with great excitement.
Gosh is that nice. I'm guessing his swing will be alright as well. But maybe not. It's hard to predict all things.
We have heard that this little one will bring joy with her into our family. Healing from Andrew's death. I think that may be true. We are all so looking forward to meeting her.
We still don't know what to name her though.
I packed more of a my suitcase for the hospital as it seemed I was in labor yet again today. It seemed so promising. So I am a bit blue tonight. No little girl in my arms. Still a belly that keeps hanging over more and more and more pressure on my pelvis making my walking even more awkward.
Mark went into the garage and got out some more baby items. The bouncy seat and car seat we got just for Andrew.
I have wondered if this would be hard for me. But it turns out that I have looked at both and am fine. I am excited. I am happy. In short, I am fine. I am reminded of my little special but there is no grief or pain. No hurt or anger. Nothing negative. I look at them and remember Andrew. I see these items that only Andrew used and still look to the future of our little girl using them with great excitement.
Gosh is that nice. I'm guessing his swing will be alright as well. But maybe not. It's hard to predict all things.
We have heard that this little one will bring joy with her into our family. Healing from Andrew's death. I think that may be true. We are all so looking forward to meeting her.
We still don't know what to name her though.
Tuesday, October 9, 2012
As We Wait for Little Angel
It is evening once again and still no arrival of our dear daughter. Things start but stop after 4 -5 hours. Or they go on for hours on end but are not strong enough to be considered labor. Gosh is this waiting torture.
I usually can be fairly patient but for some reason, when it comes to the arrival of our children, I am always excited in that anxious sort of way where I just can't wait to meet them and find it hard to calmly await their arrival. And so it is with baby #6.
I am 39 weeks now and the days count down to my due date. The date where the doctors will want to wheel me into the OR to do a repeat C-section if there is no labor or progressing labor by the 15th. I don't like this. The C-section I had before, while needed for Andrew's protection and to ensure his survival and mine, to an extent, was so difficult to recover from. A whole lot more pain and a much longer recovery time overall. It made my ability to spend time with my little special much more limited than I wanted. And the pain was awful.
Thankfully Andrew was light as a feather at 5 1/2 pounds so lifting him was no problem. Nursing him was a cinch. I was more concerned that I was going to hurt him since he was such a little tiny thing.
My heart's desire is to have birth begin naturally and progress on its own naturally and for our dear baby girl to enter the world without medical intervention like a C-section. I have been reading up on natural birthing, labor, midwifery, hypno-brithing, the Bradley method and watching documentaries. Arming myself with how to do this as naturally as I will be able to so that I can do this as best as I am able to. Being a wimp when it comes to pain, this is something. I pray God will give me the strength to do this. And that Mark will be strengthened as well since he remembers how this kind of a birth went with Ryan. I had minimal medical assistant and was unable to focus or control the pain for the last 5 excruciating hours I labored for his birth.
I have been fine with this pregnancy since passing Andrew's birth week number and finding out that this one is a girl. But the thought of a C-section breaks my heart. And I fear will remind me of Andrew. That I would lay on that table as they did their operation and closed me back up and would be feeling this awful pain grieving my son. Granted, the goal is healthy baby girl and a healthy mother. But I want to be able to hold my little girl within a few minutes of birthing her. I want to be able to try to nurse her close to her arrival. I want to bond with her as I was not allowed to for Andrew due to circumstances.
Please Lord, let labor come soon. I can hardly walk any more or move. Bring the joy of her arrival. Bring her soon. Bring her in Your time.
Now if only we knew what to name her.
I usually can be fairly patient but for some reason, when it comes to the arrival of our children, I am always excited in that anxious sort of way where I just can't wait to meet them and find it hard to calmly await their arrival. And so it is with baby #6.
I am 39 weeks now and the days count down to my due date. The date where the doctors will want to wheel me into the OR to do a repeat C-section if there is no labor or progressing labor by the 15th. I don't like this. The C-section I had before, while needed for Andrew's protection and to ensure his survival and mine, to an extent, was so difficult to recover from. A whole lot more pain and a much longer recovery time overall. It made my ability to spend time with my little special much more limited than I wanted. And the pain was awful.
Thankfully Andrew was light as a feather at 5 1/2 pounds so lifting him was no problem. Nursing him was a cinch. I was more concerned that I was going to hurt him since he was such a little tiny thing.
My heart's desire is to have birth begin naturally and progress on its own naturally and for our dear baby girl to enter the world without medical intervention like a C-section. I have been reading up on natural birthing, labor, midwifery, hypno-brithing, the Bradley method and watching documentaries. Arming myself with how to do this as naturally as I will be able to so that I can do this as best as I am able to. Being a wimp when it comes to pain, this is something. I pray God will give me the strength to do this. And that Mark will be strengthened as well since he remembers how this kind of a birth went with Ryan. I had minimal medical assistant and was unable to focus or control the pain for the last 5 excruciating hours I labored for his birth.
I have been fine with this pregnancy since passing Andrew's birth week number and finding out that this one is a girl. But the thought of a C-section breaks my heart. And I fear will remind me of Andrew. That I would lay on that table as they did their operation and closed me back up and would be feeling this awful pain grieving my son. Granted, the goal is healthy baby girl and a healthy mother. But I want to be able to hold my little girl within a few minutes of birthing her. I want to be able to try to nurse her close to her arrival. I want to bond with her as I was not allowed to for Andrew due to circumstances.
Please Lord, let labor come soon. I can hardly walk any more or move. Bring the joy of her arrival. Bring her soon. Bring her in Your time.
Now if only we knew what to name her.
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