I was holding the little treasure, my other term of endearment for our dear daughter, the other day. Snuggling her close. Cherishing the moment of having her head near mine, her little body laying against my chest upright as I stabilized her head and gently laid my cheek against the top of her head. I was just loving on her as she was having some wakey time. (A key to switching her from the nighttime schedule to day.)
Suddenly I was overcome with the rising emotion. It rose up so slowly at first I didn't notice its tidal wave that it brought until I sensed it begin to crash down on me. This sudden sense of remorse and sorrow and pain over Andrew. I often held him like that. It was one of our favorite ways to hang out together. And here I was doing it again but it wasn't him.
It was such an odd mix to feel as it combined with my joy over being close to my daughter and enjoying spending time with her. And it caught me so off guard that I lifted my head up and closed my eyes.
I don't feel guilty for having another child. For being excited about having her. For loving her and wanting her and enjoying her. It's not like that. I'm not sure what it was really.
And then, before the wave actually hit me, it just disappeared. Dissipated. Evaporated. Dissolved. And was no more.
I wonder what else may come during all of this.
I intend to blog until this little one is 5 1/2 months old and possibly even until the 2 year anniversary of Andrew's death. It's hard to know how these milestones will hit me and my family as have a new addition to our family.
No comments:
Post a Comment
Thank you for commenting on my blog!