Oh the Times of Pattycake

Andrew and I had many routines we did together. We snuggled (my personal favorite activity), we giggled together (another top activity), we gave loves, sang together (okay that was just me singing) and played little games.

One of my favorite games was playing patty-cake. Now, I know there is the traditional patty-cake where you hold their hands and clap them together and sing the patty-cake song. We did that and Andrew would giggle his little head off with that infant giggle that only babies have. So cute. So heartwarming. But I took patty-cake to a new level with Andrew.

You see, after doing the usual form of pattycake, I would start to roll his arms around in a circle, out and in, up and down and every which way as he grinned all big. I'd sing silly songs and make silly sound effects and all kinds of things. And pretty soon we'd both be giggling our heads off together.

Of course, I would always end with kissing his hands and forehead and telling him how much I loved him and how cute and adorable he was. He would just glow. Even now I have a huge grin on my face and am chuckling as I remember how silly we were as we played this game together. It was great fun and just plain a good time.

(Below is a picture of my hand holding Andrew's just before he was taken off of life support.)

A Snapshot of Mommy with Andrew

One morning in March or April of this year, Andrew woke up around 4:30 a.m. He was around 3 - 4 months old by this time and had started to sleep for 5 hour stretches in a row. It was glorious! But this particular night had been a night where both Mark and I did not get the best of sleep. So much so, in fact, that Mark had fallen into such a deep sleep that he didn't hear the little special cry out with a tone that said he was very upset about something.

I staggered out of bed and stumbled down the hallway. You would have thought I was drunk but really I was just that tired and out of it. But I did have enough sense to know that my little guy was probably hungry. So I warmed up his bottle and clumsily drug myself back down the hallway into the bedroom.

Upon plugging the bottle into my son's crying mouth, I learn, with dismay, that for some reason, the bottle isn't going to do it rihgt now. So it's time for Plan B. Change the diaper.

I gently pick him up and change his diaper whispering to him that it's all okay. That mommy is here and that I love him. His crying seems to subside and I feel relieved that after the feeding, all will be right with the world and I will be able to resume my regularly scheduling programming of sleep.

However, even with a clean diaper and bottle plugged in yet again, he doesn't seem to be all that happy. Concerned he will wake my husband or the other kids, and knowing that something is up with my little guy, I stand up and decide that perhaps he and I should chat.

"Oh sweetie," I whisper at him, "It's nigh-night time not wakey time. You need to go back to sleep."

He stops crying and gives me a look like I am the most wonderful thing on the planet. Then he pulls out his famous grin like he's so glad I'm holding him and that all is right with the world. Well, my heart melts being totally disarmed by this little charmer. And despite my exhaustion and desire for sleep, I kiss him on his forehead and begin heading over to my bed.

"You need mommy don't you."

He grins his usual, delighted, full grin at me and his eyes sparkle like he just won the lottery.

"Alright. Let's have some snuggle time."

So I drew him really close to me, laid down in bed on my side every so carefully so that I didn't harm him or scare him, and gently laid him down a foot from my chest. Then I laid all the way down and placed my forehead to his. (The usual snuggle position for us.) I put my right finger into the palm of his left hand and immediately he grasped on as I began to run my thumb over his precious fingers. We looked into each other's eyes and I began whispering sweetly to him of my love and affection for him and how special he was. Soon I felt his body relax and he smiled with a look of total enamoration as I begin to plant little kisses on his forehead between sentences. And he just ate it up.

After 5 - 10 minutes or so, we were both so warm and snuggly together, that we both just drifted off into a sound sleep for a few hours. Content and happy to be close to each other. And my heart warmed knowing he just wanted mommy.

The Good-Bye

I remember how when I was in the ER standing over him, touching his little shoulder, calling to him and telling how much I love him. The doctors and nurses were feverishly working on him and I was shocked to be witnessing my son in such a state.And then Jesus came into the room. That sure made me take notice. I immediately wondered if He was going to take my son away. And I wasn’t ready. I almost fell over thinking that it was going to be all over and I wasn’t ready and it wasn’t his time. I knew that with all my heart. IT WAS NOT HIS TIME. It was too soon. He had more life to live.

Thankfully the Lord told me that it wasn’t Andrew’s time but that he had a choice to stay or go home. I immediately thought that it was going to be okay because Andrew wouldn’t choose to go home with Jesus. We loved him and adored him and I cherished him. He wouldn’t have a reason not to stay. Silly me.

On Friday afternoon, the day before he died, I was holding his precious hand in mine, leaning onto his bed, kissing him, loving on him, I was telling him it was time for him to wake up and come back to me. And it was like I was transported to another place.

I saw Andrew sitting on Jesus’ lap watching the sun set. Andrew had this huge smile on his face as he looked up at the Lord. The Lord was looking down at him with a smile and they were talking. Immediately I called out to him.

“Andrew. Sweetie.”

Andrew turned around just beaming with his beautiful, huge smile that always made his face light up and eyes sparkle. I saw the recognition in his eyes that he always gave to me. He was always glad to see me. He was as fond of me as I was of him. Well, almost.

“Come on sweetie.” I said to him with happiness.

And I remember clearly. He looked up at the Lord, Jesus smiled at him and Andrew looked to the sunset again.

At the time I was confused. The vision ended and I remember looking at his frail body lying there in “coma” wondering what had just happened.

And the day after he died I understood. He was saying good-bye to me and letting me know that he was safe and happy.

Such a precious little boy. That’s my boy. That’s my Andrew.

I still love you little special and miss you so much!

It's Been Three Months

Today is the three month anniversary of Andrew’s death. Mark graciously let me sleep in. Then I took the oldest two to get a haircut with me and then we went shopping together. The weather was nice. The air smelled of grass and leaves with a hint of autumn. If the wind weren’t blowing the day would have been absolutely gorgeous. Weatherwise anyway. I enjoyed my boys’ company. They did quite well. We laughed and talked about all kinds of things, they “helped me out” and we learned together more about social etiquette in public. They are growing up so fast.

And the youngest, well, Ryan is Ryan. Full of life enough for two people. Having such vigor and excitement, he’s taking life by the reigns and shaking it to see what will come from it. And he does it all with a huge smile and shining eyes. A look that says, “Aren’t I the cutest thing?” I tucked him into bed with him reciting “I love you, I love you, I love you” numerous times in a row with his sweet little voice.

Alex, my second oldest, has decided that hugs and kisses are beyond him so I have to ask each evening if I may get both from him. His preference lately is a kiss only and then he tells me where to kiss him on his face. He often opts for a kiss on each cheek. Then he proceeds to give me the same affection. It’s very cute. And very boy.

And Samuel, my oldest, well, he is always ready to give hugs and kisses generously.

I shut their doors tonight with tears in my eyes. Our apartment is a bit unkempt with all of the boxes hanging around showing the signs that we are moving. And my thoughts easily turn to Andrew. If he were here we would not be moving. The oldest would not be attending school in a new school district, and Mark would not be looking for a job.

Now I don’t resent where we are at. Or the things that we are doing now. We are in a good place in a lot of regards. We have moved on in some respects. A new season is upon us. And I am excited to walk into it and see what becomes of it. Many good things are about to happen for us. But I would give it all back to have Andrew again.

A normal day? No it’s not. We may “fool” people on the outside but it isn’t true. Life is still not normal. Why do I still see his smiling face so clearly that I feel like I can almost touch it? Why does my heart ache and feel hollowed out at times when I hear a baby cry or see an ambulance drive by? Why is my mind haunted by the image of his little body lying in that hospital bed with tubes coming out of him as his heart beat its last? Why do I still scream inside for my son? That isn’t normal. That is life right now.

The school counselor was apprised of the “situation” and Mark told me that Alex said that if he could do it differently he would . . . . I’ll keep that between us. That was hard to hear. What a burden he carries for being so young. And it pains me and Mark.

This isn’t normal. This is dealing with grief. This is facing the loss of my little special. Ninety days without him. And here come the tears again. The heartache. The remembrance. The reminder. And I would carry him and give birth to him again in a heartbeat.

I love you little special. I always love you! And I miss you and wish you were here in this life.

The names of all of my boys, besides Andrew, have been changed to pseudonyms to protect them.

Manic Monday

The office is quiet right now. This is usual for Mondays in the area I sit in. I'll write quickly and briefly as I eat my lunch.

It is the first day of school for two of my boys. A proud day. Another milestone. Boy were they excited and scared as we all headed into the new school as a family. Sharing in the tradition of all of us being there for the first day of school for someone who is new at going to school.

They both looked so handsome and were a bit timid but welcomed warmly by the staff. I'm so excited for them. And I have such hopes for them that they will form great friendships, learn a lot, be challenged and have a great opportunity to grow up even more. I can't believe that we have 2 in school already.

My husband commented that he wasn't sure what he was going to do having only 1 boy at home now. It'll be so quiet. So strange. I wonder how the youngest will grow and change now. He's looking for a job. I will start looking as well since we need a little more to make ends meet. I know God will provide somehow.

So we had this great moment as a family this morning. And I came to work to go through a milestone with my work family. It was a tough morning here at work. So tough my boss headed home for a few hours to get refreshed for the afternoon. He and I head to our biggest client's headquarters that we helped design to share in the retirement of one of its executive officers. I made the card this morning and it ended up taking all morning with what happened here and the layout and the printer taking turns making the card wrong. (Of course, it was not user error by many means. haha)

Over the weekend I longed for Andrew so much that I almost felt like I could reach out and touch him. I love and hate those moments. It's so tangible, the memory of him, that it drives me crazy because it's like he is just out of reach. If I could just reach out a little further, then I could hold him again. But that is not the case and my heart sinks and my body calls for him. My mind screams his name. And I can't be near anyone because it's too much. Too intense.

Someone at church, this is where I was when it happened this time, said that they had heard that mothers are rejoined with their children in heaven. Their children stay at the age they were when they passed away and then the mother gets to share in the joy of watching and being there as their lost child grows up. Now I don't know if that is true or not. But I sure don't mind the idea that maybe it is. If so, I'll be delighted to be able to perfectly parent two of my children. Alexa and Andrew. And if not, I'll still get to be with them worshipping the King of Glory making the most beautiful music ever and dancing with them forever.

Another milestone that we will not share directly with our little special. Another smile to him in my mind's eye. Another look at him in my heart with great love and affection.

I love you sweetheart and miss you!

Andrew, I really look forward to seeing you again.

A Birthday and The Transformer

Today was my son's birthday. We started out the day with happy birthdays all the way around. I shared with my son that so many years ago I was in delivery with him. He beamed and ran over to me and hugged my legs. "I love you mommy!" It was so sweet. Today he got to go to McDonald's playland and ended the day with his party. We invited some families to a swim party and then shared cake and ice cream. Grandma and Grandpa called to extend their love and birthday wishes. Grandma Jean stopped by to share in the joy and we partied as only little boys can. Swimming. Laughing. Splashing. Then treats followed by presents. My son got a lego transformer thing, a few other things to build and Optimus Prime himself. He is sleeping with the autobot tonight and gently patted it as he went to sleep. How precious is that! And he went to sleep a happy, content boy because he got some really cool toys.

Now another son of mine told me he was stuck on the bathroom floor at bedtime. He was lying on the bathmat people. He was not even close to being stuck anywhere. Silly boy joy. Then he put his head back down and told me he hurt his head. He played house with farm animals quietly for a little while as I put the older ones to bed and told me he was playing house and put his cow in the barn. He's a pill but pretty adorable.

On another note, one the mother's that came with her family tonight brought their baby who is 3 1/2 months old. She's darling and starting to laugh and get more of a personality. It's always fun when their personalities really start coming out more and more. It's intriguing and fun and interesting all rolled into joy. I told her I would sacrifice for her and hold her baby so that she could have a bit of a break. She chuckled and handed her daughter over to me. I love babies.

It was hard not to think of Andrew. He hadn't totally mastered holding up his head at 5 months. And was still working on sitting up when placed in that position. It was a position he began to want more and more by the time he passed on. And this baby does it fairly well. I guess that is some of the developmental lags that the doctors talked about that I really didn't see. I just saw my little special. I was so proud of him regardless of where he was in his development. I still am even though he is not with us.

So the end of a day of delight for our son. Moments of joy we'll treasure as a family. I am satisfied with the joy we shared in today with friends and as a family. As last night I was satisfied to share as my son rode his bike as I walked. gosh they are growing up so fast. And I wish Andrew had been here to share with us in this life. But he's sharing from where he is now with the Lord.

Good night little special. I love you and miss you!

8 Month Birthday

Yesterday was Andrew's 8 month birthday. Happy birthday little special!

Evidently I looked like death warmed over since I had colleagues asking if I was okay. I was just lots going on at work, filing life insurance paperwork, keeping the house deal moving, getting the boys ready for school, packing and ... oh my gosh! Isn't there a vacation here somewhere? A cruise to the Carribean or a getaway in Cabo San Lucas or something?

I need to work most of the weekend to make deadlines. We've had so much going on here that I've been taking care of fires in every direction. Crazy!

Well, in the midst of the craziness, I keep sensing this excitement and anticipation about the future. That something is coming that will be really neat and will be so good for us. I keep going back to that so that I don't go a little whacky. I dream of my new home. Imagine us living there. The boys having fun running around the basement giggling and having fun. Decorating. Arranging. Organizing. (Wel okay those are really dreams for farther out in the future but hey, dreams give a heart hope. Without vision the heart fails). Having friends over for dinner. Maybe me starting to play piano and flute again. Hmmmmmmmmmmm. Nice thoughts. Blessings I look forward to seeing come true. We'll see.

Lord, bring it!!!!!!!!!!