A Cry for My Boys

So I'm reading the story of what happened with the Chapmans. Steven Curtis Chapman is a singer I greatly respect and I love his music. So when I heard of what happened with their daughter 4 years ago, it touched me. I felt so sad for them. How tragic that such an unpremeditated thing like backing into a driveway had such a devastating effect. I wondered what happened and felt such empathy for them. What an awful hardship to walk through. What a tragic loss. How would that son cope with this? How would the family cope? And now I am getting to find out.

Being a fan of this singer, one of my favorite performers, it's interesting to learn the inner workings of his family and life. I saw him perform in 2000 or 2001. It was a great evening and he even shared a powerpoint of his family. He talked to us as though we were good friends. He was humble. Real and a real performer. This is something I notice being a performer myself. When someone does it well and isn't about how awesome they are, I appreciate their talent even more. When they enjoy it and don't get caught up in being on the stage, it's a real treat. Anyway, how they dealt with it. What has it been like for them? And is it similar to the path we have walked?

And now I am learning that yes, there are other similarities that I have not found with the other mothers. Like how do you help your surviving children cope with the pain and grief. Mary Beth speaks of how she would cry out to God to be with her son who was involved. How she would cry out for Stevey Joy to be healed of the pain she had for seeing her sister die. I have done the same thing.

It concerns me how this will affect my boys. And what damage has been done? And I hope that God does a miracle in them so that they can become all that they should be. That this should serve only to strengthen them and give them a story that will point others to God in some way. In a way that we can't necessarily understand right now.

One of the Chapman sons said at the Memorial Service that it's like God is an abstract painter. When you are right next to the painting you can't see the picture He's painting. You have to take many steps back because His canvas is so huge. And then, when you've taken a lot of steps back, you can begin to see the beautiful work of art He is making. And like them, we are right now still pretty close to the canvas so we can't make out what's being painted yet.  We've taken some steps back but it still isn't necessarily clear to us what He's putting on that canvas.

I have haven't finished the book but I know I can pray. I knew that and have done it since before I read this book. And I can let them know that I am here to speak with them whenever they want to talk about it. But mostly, I just keep reassuring them that I love them no matter what. They have never had to do anything to earn my love. They are my sons and they have my love just from that. But I am curious what the last pages will hold as far as their son, Will, and their daughter, Stevey Joy, are concerned.

Oh God, you can turn all the bad into good for those who love you and are called according to Your purposes. We need for You to do that in the boys. In Your mercy, please protect them from the evil that this can become in their lives and make it a good thing that shows Your glory.

The Important Choice

I am reading a book by Mary Beth Chapman called Choosing to See. The Chapman's lost their 5 year old adopted daughter in a tragic accident at their home. I have been reading some different books on grief, stories of people losing their loved ones, some have even dealt with babies dying. Some have been gifts from family or friends. Most are books I have found to try to figure out what others are going through when they lose a child.
I have related to these stories in some ways. We all feel great pain. Ask why. Wonder if we could have done something more to prevent it. Wished we could die because the loss hurts so greatly you don't know how to deal with all of the rush and ebb and flow of the emotions. Asked how we would cope.
But the Chapman story is the most relatable to our circumstances. I have felt very alone even amongst the other mothers I meet with since none of them lost their babies to an accident. So I was extremely curious to finally read about how this couple dealt with their tragedy. You see, their daughter was killed when she was run over by a truck. A truck one of their sons was driving. A scenario very close to our home with the exception that our deceased child was younger and we may never know if one of our children was involved in an unknowing and without meaning to.
Mary Beth is extremely real and honest. Straight and to the point. Their son Will was just coming home. The 3 adopted daughters from China were pretending they were a girl band called the Chapman Sisters in the back yard. Maria adored Will. He was her hero. So when he arrived, she was so ecstatic that without thinking, she ran at the driveway. Her next oldest sister, Stevey Joy, saw what was going to happen and screamed at her sister to stop running so that she wouldn't get hurt. But Maria was head strong. When she had something in her little mind, there was no stopping her. So she kept running to get to her brother not realizing she was headed towards a machine that was much stronger than she.
She saw it happen. Will couldn't see her she was so small so he couldn't stop in time. There was blood everywhere. Mary Beth and Steven ran outside horrified as Will held his little sister's lifeless body streaming for her to wake up. And so began their journey into the maze of confusion of pain, grief, loss, regret and everything else that comes with it.
As they did with their son who ran over his sister, we made to assure Alex and Ryan (who were home at the time and possibly witnessed the event) that we loved them no matter what happened. They were our sons and nothing would change our love for them. It's a message we have repeated to them often before that day and after.
They decided not to turn from God and so did we.
On our way back from the funeral home from making at least some of the final arrangements for our dear son, I told Mark that this time we would respond to a trial in the correct way. We would still praise God becuase circumstances don't change Him. He is unchanging. We would still praise Him and worship Him becuase He is always worthy of these whether we feel it or not. Whether things are good or not. Mark agreed and had already been thinking this.
Four years ago, things started going south for us. Ryan was born around this time. And our response to God was to harden our hearts and walk away practically from our faith. The trial just got worse. Dark days fell upon our family that lead to a year and a half of difficulties. It was awful for us and the boys. And at the beginning of some possible goodness was Andrew. Our gift from God. That's what God told me before he was even conceived. He would be our blessing for reuniting. One that I was reluctant to accept at first. And regret that I ever doubted the blessing he was and is to me.
So anyway, after turning from God before, it seemed that this time, we needed to turn to Him. Fall upon Him because it all made no sense. And we knew that He was the only one to help us. So we both made a conscious choice to say that we still believed in God. We still knew He was good and that He was in control. We thanked Him for our son, acknowledged that we didn't understand what was going on and said out loud that He was worthy of our praise.
And our hearts remained soft.