The Important Choice

I am reading a book by Mary Beth Chapman called Choosing to See. The Chapman's lost their 5 year old adopted daughter in a tragic accident at their home. I have been reading some different books on grief, stories of people losing their loved ones, some have even dealt with babies dying. Some have been gifts from family or friends. Most are books I have found to try to figure out what others are going through when they lose a child.
I have related to these stories in some ways. We all feel great pain. Ask why. Wonder if we could have done something more to prevent it. Wished we could die because the loss hurts so greatly you don't know how to deal with all of the rush and ebb and flow of the emotions. Asked how we would cope.
But the Chapman story is the most relatable to our circumstances. I have felt very alone even amongst the other mothers I meet with since none of them lost their babies to an accident. So I was extremely curious to finally read about how this couple dealt with their tragedy. You see, their daughter was killed when she was run over by a truck. A truck one of their sons was driving. A scenario very close to our home with the exception that our deceased child was younger and we may never know if one of our children was involved in an unknowing and without meaning to.
Mary Beth is extremely real and honest. Straight and to the point. Their son Will was just coming home. The 3 adopted daughters from China were pretending they were a girl band called the Chapman Sisters in the back yard. Maria adored Will. He was her hero. So when he arrived, she was so ecstatic that without thinking, she ran at the driveway. Her next oldest sister, Stevey Joy, saw what was going to happen and screamed at her sister to stop running so that she wouldn't get hurt. But Maria was head strong. When she had something in her little mind, there was no stopping her. So she kept running to get to her brother not realizing she was headed towards a machine that was much stronger than she.
She saw it happen. Will couldn't see her she was so small so he couldn't stop in time. There was blood everywhere. Mary Beth and Steven ran outside horrified as Will held his little sister's lifeless body streaming for her to wake up. And so began their journey into the maze of confusion of pain, grief, loss, regret and everything else that comes with it.
As they did with their son who ran over his sister, we made to assure Alex and Ryan (who were home at the time and possibly witnessed the event) that we loved them no matter what happened. They were our sons and nothing would change our love for them. It's a message we have repeated to them often before that day and after.
They decided not to turn from God and so did we.
On our way back from the funeral home from making at least some of the final arrangements for our dear son, I told Mark that this time we would respond to a trial in the correct way. We would still praise God becuase circumstances don't change Him. He is unchanging. We would still praise Him and worship Him becuase He is always worthy of these whether we feel it or not. Whether things are good or not. Mark agreed and had already been thinking this.
Four years ago, things started going south for us. Ryan was born around this time. And our response to God was to harden our hearts and walk away practically from our faith. The trial just got worse. Dark days fell upon our family that lead to a year and a half of difficulties. It was awful for us and the boys. And at the beginning of some possible goodness was Andrew. Our gift from God. That's what God told me before he was even conceived. He would be our blessing for reuniting. One that I was reluctant to accept at first. And regret that I ever doubted the blessing he was and is to me.
So anyway, after turning from God before, it seemed that this time, we needed to turn to Him. Fall upon Him because it all made no sense. And we knew that He was the only one to help us. So we both made a conscious choice to say that we still believed in God. We still knew He was good and that He was in control. We thanked Him for our son, acknowledged that we didn't understand what was going on and said out loud that He was worthy of our praise.
And our hearts remained soft.