Yesterday, in Connecticut, a 20 year old killed 27 people at an elementary school. An elementary school. How sick is that? I can't imagine.
I heard this on the way home from work and became so sickened by it that I found it difficult to drive home after that. I felt such sorrow and grief.
I pictured it in my mind. Young, innocent children attending just another day of school. Minding their own business. Thinking about recess, how boring school is, dreaming of Christmas morning, giggling over silly things like odd body sounds. And then 20 of them had their lives taken from them along with 6 of their teachers or other adults at the school before the gunman took his own life.
How awful. How traumatic. Those poor, poor families that lost children. The siblings that lost their brother or sister. The classmates traumatized by seeing their peers killed.
It is simply awful. Tragic. Horrible.
It is overwhelming to me that such a thing happened to children.
Murder.
I can't imagine the struggles of those parents and siblings and spouses of people that worked there. I know some of the pain the parents feel but not the pain of my child being murdered. Mine died because of a most stupid and tragic accident. An accident. Not someone purposefully killing my child.
Oh God. How awful this is. Comfort those families and people that are so hurt by this. Bring peace. Bring your Presence. Bring your strength for them to go on. Bring Your healing.
How sad.
This is hard to grasp.
And it all happened right before Christmas. How very hard and impossible this Christmas will be now. And how trying this time of year will always be for those people. I think December is a difficult month. How much more for these people now.
May this not ruin anyone touched by this but, eventually, make them stronger.
Saturday, December 15, 2012
Thursday, December 13, 2012
Conversations with Alex
Some amazing things happened this week.
When I was putting Alex to bed over the weekend, he told me he always gets sad when we visit Andrew's grave. I was so surprised to hear him bringing up Andrew on his own. And yet I also got a lump in my throat. I found myself feeling concern that this conversation may go on for awhile and how was I going to handle it. I didn't know that I could handle it.
I told him that his dad and I also get sad when we visit Andrew's grave too.
"It's very normal," I told him.
He just sighed and said, "yeah," and moved on to talking about something else.
The funeral home did say that they would bring it up like a random thought and then move onto something else like they had just talked about a toy or anything else. Gosh is that ever true.
And then just last night he came out after I had put them to bed. I was in the dining room trying to get things cleaned up and make bottles for Lynn. He had his index finger in his mouth and was acting almost shy.
"Um, mom," he said, "we haven't gone to Andrew's grave in a long time." He paused. Alex moved a few steps closer to me, ran his right toe around on the floor in front of him as he looked down.
Again I was surprised that he was bringing up Andrew but was much more stable emotionally about it.
"Yes it has." I said to him trying to make eye contact with him. I wondered where he was going with this.
"Um, mom," he said with trepidation and sighed.
"Yes sweetheart," I replied.
"When are we going to go back to his grave?"
I was about to answer when he continued with continued shyness.
"Did he ever get a stone on his grave?"
I responded, "Yes, that happened a few months ago."
"Well, uh," he continued, "I want to see what his grave looks like now that the stone is on it?"
He wanted us to take him there.
"Of course. We can take you there whenever you want to. All you need to do is ask us."
"Okay."
I told Mark when he got home and we'll be heading out to Andrew's grave sometime soon for Alex.
When I was putting Alex to bed over the weekend, he told me he always gets sad when we visit Andrew's grave. I was so surprised to hear him bringing up Andrew on his own. And yet I also got a lump in my throat. I found myself feeling concern that this conversation may go on for awhile and how was I going to handle it. I didn't know that I could handle it.
I told him that his dad and I also get sad when we visit Andrew's grave too.
"It's very normal," I told him.
He just sighed and said, "yeah," and moved on to talking about something else.
The funeral home did say that they would bring it up like a random thought and then move onto something else like they had just talked about a toy or anything else. Gosh is that ever true.
And then just last night he came out after I had put them to bed. I was in the dining room trying to get things cleaned up and make bottles for Lynn. He had his index finger in his mouth and was acting almost shy.
"Um, mom," he said, "we haven't gone to Andrew's grave in a long time." He paused. Alex moved a few steps closer to me, ran his right toe around on the floor in front of him as he looked down.
Again I was surprised that he was bringing up Andrew but was much more stable emotionally about it.
"Yes it has." I said to him trying to make eye contact with him. I wondered where he was going with this.
"Um, mom," he said with trepidation and sighed.
"Yes sweetheart," I replied.
"When are we going to go back to his grave?"
I was about to answer when he continued with continued shyness.
"Did he ever get a stone on his grave?"
I responded, "Yes, that happened a few months ago."
"Well, uh," he continued, "I want to see what his grave looks like now that the stone is on it?"
He wanted us to take him there.
"Of course. We can take you there whenever you want to. All you need to do is ask us."
"Okay."
I told Mark when he got home and we'll be heading out to Andrew's grave sometime soon for Alex.
Wednesday, December 12, 2012
That Night
The Open House at my work went quite well. I actually networked fairly successfully. This is a first for me. It's a hypothesis I had. If I got to the point where I knew some people then I could probably handle a room full of people that I should talk to to further develop those relationships. And I wasn't terrified for once!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It felt great!
The only thing that caught me a bit off guard was sharing about my family. I, of course, was proud to brag up Lynn and carried around a small photo album I made of Lynn's little life. Well, with that came the question of how many other children I had or how many boys.
I am used to this and yet I'm not. Most of the time now I have come to realize I need to say I have only 4 children to avoid the whole awkward conversation about our deceased children.
But on occassion I feel a bit downhearted about this. That night was such a night. On that night I wanted to acknowledge we have 6.
I left feeling a bit downhearted. Proud of myself that I had networked well but saddened by not being able to acknowledge Andrew and Alexa.
The only thing that caught me a bit off guard was sharing about my family. I, of course, was proud to brag up Lynn and carried around a small photo album I made of Lynn's little life. Well, with that came the question of how many other children I had or how many boys.
I am used to this and yet I'm not. Most of the time now I have come to realize I need to say I have only 4 children to avoid the whole awkward conversation about our deceased children.
But on occassion I feel a bit downhearted about this. That night was such a night. On that night I wanted to acknowledge we have 6.
I left feeling a bit downhearted. Proud of myself that I had networked well but saddened by not being able to acknowledge Andrew and Alexa.
Thursday, December 6, 2012
Since Andrew Died . . .
It's a busy week at work. A huge proposal to write. A report to get off to a client. Another report to write for another client. The open house to prepare for. I haven't been able to be at home as much as I would like to. And my little girl still acts like she doesn't know me when I get home. How sad that is to me.
I saw a dear friend today. Totally unplanned and, as always, a very pleasant surprise. A very welcome surprise. Like usual, it lifted my spirits and left me with a huge smile. It was like a breath of fresh air. This friend is one of the the people that I treasure in my life. Someone that means a lot to me. Gosh it was so nice.
We chatted for a short time, joked around like we usually do, caught up a little bit and then had to get to other commitments. Of course, Lynn came up and how I am saddened to be away from her during the day. Hopefully we'll be able to get together soon and take more time to catch up more appropriately.
Since Andrew died, I have found that I want to be more relational. More intentional. Make more out of life than I did before. Especially with Lynn, my family and even with this friend I saw today. I really try to make the short amount of time that I can have with her now when I'm off count. Just like I want my time with my friends and family to count more. That's a bit difficult for me in some ways. I am much more task-oriented than people-oriented. Although if I know I am respected and cared for by someone, then it's easier for me to be more relational with that person. And if I click with someone, and become comfortable with someone, then that ability is only amplified. At that point I will be extremely loyal to that person and can be very warm and caring.
It's just something I have to keep working on in myself. To be more warm to others and social as I interact in life. And thanks to Andrew, that has been boosted on a bit more.
Since Andrew died, a few other things have changed in me too. How I try to mother. How I try to be. Who I try to be.
May God give me the ability to become who I am supposed to become in Him.
I saw a dear friend today. Totally unplanned and, as always, a very pleasant surprise. A very welcome surprise. Like usual, it lifted my spirits and left me with a huge smile. It was like a breath of fresh air. This friend is one of the the people that I treasure in my life. Someone that means a lot to me. Gosh it was so nice.
We chatted for a short time, joked around like we usually do, caught up a little bit and then had to get to other commitments. Of course, Lynn came up and how I am saddened to be away from her during the day. Hopefully we'll be able to get together soon and take more time to catch up more appropriately.
Since Andrew died, I have found that I want to be more relational. More intentional. Make more out of life than I did before. Especially with Lynn, my family and even with this friend I saw today. I really try to make the short amount of time that I can have with her now when I'm off count. Just like I want my time with my friends and family to count more. That's a bit difficult for me in some ways. I am much more task-oriented than people-oriented. Although if I know I am respected and cared for by someone, then it's easier for me to be more relational with that person. And if I click with someone, and become comfortable with someone, then that ability is only amplified. At that point I will be extremely loyal to that person and can be very warm and caring.
It's just something I have to keep working on in myself. To be more warm to others and social as I interact in life. And thanks to Andrew, that has been boosted on a bit more.
Since Andrew died, a few other things have changed in me too. How I try to mother. How I try to be. Who I try to be.
May God give me the ability to become who I am supposed to become in Him.
We Were There For Them
Yesterday my mom emailed me. A third cousin of mine, Scott, had lost his step-daughter in a tragic car accident last week and the visitation and funeral were last night. His mom, my 2nd cousin Glenda, told my mom thinking that Mark and I may want to go since we understand the pain of losing a child firsthand.
Now, I don't remember Scott at all. He's around 17 years older than me and was only a name to me and a picture on Glenda's wall as I grew up. So this was going to be a bit strange but all I could think of was, this is a hard time and if we could be of any comfort or provide any kind of support, we needed to go. Unlike us, his step-daughter was 33 and had a family of her own but it's still hard.
I immediately called Mark and told him that I thought we needed to go. That it was probably important for us to be there for them since we have experienced the pain of losing a child. I was pleasantly surprised that he didn't question or doubt my instincts and agreed with me. He called his mother and she agreed to look after the kids for us to go.
As we drove to the medium-sized town about an hour from our house where the funeral was being held, I had a small sense of uneasiness within me. What emotions would this evoke in me? Would I lose it during the service? Does this mean I'll have an awful dream about Andrew tonight? Will this stir up things I don't want to feel? How are they handling this? Will Scott even know who I am or how I am related? What will we find?
I wrote a personal note in the card we got at the last minute that said we know how words do not describe at this time but that we were there for them if they wanted. I gave them my contact info and signed it for the family.
We got to the funeral home and I found Glenda and we hugged. She introduced me to Scott. It was awkward but I tried to make some conversation and show I genuinely cared. I couldn't really read where he was at. He was quite stoic and looked almost fine with a touch of sad. I made sure to look him in the eye and with concern asked about his wife. How was she doing with all of this. I didn't know much about Scott and his wife and his family so I was really feeling around in the dark trying not to sound stupid.
To my question I actually read some emotion. I'm not saying he wasn't feeling them, he just seemed to be able to hide his emotions well.
"It's been hard," he said. I nodded in agreement. I understood. I knew too well. This is the third death for them. Two grandchildren and now their daughter. I shook my head. How awful.
"So it's hard," he said again.
I said something and felt so bad and yet still awkward.
Glenda added in how Mark and I understood. "They lost their son last year." She said.
"Yes," replied Scott as he looked back at us seeming to be uncomfortable now himself, "I remember."
I learned later that he had been married to his wife, Janelle, for 20 years. So then I felt stupid for not asking him how he was doing. I just felt so awkward and odd and self-conscious.
Glenda's son, Neil, was there with his wife and we were very glad to see each other. Neil is very special to me. He's in his fifties but I know him the best of Glenda's kids. I played my flute at his first wedding many years ago when I was in college. But the thing that really bonds us together is that he lost his son just a few weeks before we lost ours. Despite his fresh pain and grief, he insisted on coming to Andrew's funeral to support us. He knew the pain we were feeling and wanted to be there for us. It meant a lot to me that he showed up and he cried as he hugged me when he arrived at our church for the service.
As usual, Neil gave me a huge, long, intense hug and we exchanged real pleasantries. In other words, that it was good to see each other and we really told each other how we were actually doing. We instinctively knew that we were talking about dealing with the loss of our sons. It was good to connect and share in the moment. Neil is such a good man and I was so glad he was there.
The concerns I had before were still playing in my mind as we sat down for the service to begin. Scott down next to a woman and put his arm around her. Finally I knew who his wife was. She was definitely having a hard time as she put her head on Scott's shoulder.
The pastor began the service reading the obituary. I read along and found myself at the end before the pastor. One of the last lines read, "she joins her son . . . and her grandparents . . .". And I closed my eyes as I thought, "wow, she joins her son. I look forward to joining mine someday. But she's with hers." And a tear ran down my cheek. I pressed my lips together and thought about being with Andrew. How nice that would be to see him and be with him.
I handed the program to my husband in case he wanted to read it and look at the pastor while thinking, "she joins her son". I kept thinking about that off and on for the rest of the night.
The rest of the service turned out to be rather "uneventful" in a sense. It wasn't a beautiful service. It wasn't very touching except for the beginning as people shared about their memories of this woman named PJ. It was rather strange actually. Not just because I didn't know the deceased or hardly anyone, it was just a different kind of service than I have been to before since most of the attendees didn't seem to be very respectful of what they were there for. Many were chatting throughout the special music numbers, which included a hip hop song that I found to be rather strange myself but it's what they chose.
We enjoyed time with Glenda afterwards, I got another huge hug from Neil and we headed on our way. Although not what I expected, we still were there for them. That made us feel good. And we knew we did the right thing. We were there for them.
Now, I don't remember Scott at all. He's around 17 years older than me and was only a name to me and a picture on Glenda's wall as I grew up. So this was going to be a bit strange but all I could think of was, this is a hard time and if we could be of any comfort or provide any kind of support, we needed to go. Unlike us, his step-daughter was 33 and had a family of her own but it's still hard.
I immediately called Mark and told him that I thought we needed to go. That it was probably important for us to be there for them since we have experienced the pain of losing a child. I was pleasantly surprised that he didn't question or doubt my instincts and agreed with me. He called his mother and she agreed to look after the kids for us to go.
As we drove to the medium-sized town about an hour from our house where the funeral was being held, I had a small sense of uneasiness within me. What emotions would this evoke in me? Would I lose it during the service? Does this mean I'll have an awful dream about Andrew tonight? Will this stir up things I don't want to feel? How are they handling this? Will Scott even know who I am or how I am related? What will we find?
I wrote a personal note in the card we got at the last minute that said we know how words do not describe at this time but that we were there for them if they wanted. I gave them my contact info and signed it for the family.
We got to the funeral home and I found Glenda and we hugged. She introduced me to Scott. It was awkward but I tried to make some conversation and show I genuinely cared. I couldn't really read where he was at. He was quite stoic and looked almost fine with a touch of sad. I made sure to look him in the eye and with concern asked about his wife. How was she doing with all of this. I didn't know much about Scott and his wife and his family so I was really feeling around in the dark trying not to sound stupid.
To my question I actually read some emotion. I'm not saying he wasn't feeling them, he just seemed to be able to hide his emotions well.
"It's been hard," he said. I nodded in agreement. I understood. I knew too well. This is the third death for them. Two grandchildren and now their daughter. I shook my head. How awful.
"So it's hard," he said again.
I said something and felt so bad and yet still awkward.
Glenda added in how Mark and I understood. "They lost their son last year." She said.
"Yes," replied Scott as he looked back at us seeming to be uncomfortable now himself, "I remember."
I learned later that he had been married to his wife, Janelle, for 20 years. So then I felt stupid for not asking him how he was doing. I just felt so awkward and odd and self-conscious.
Glenda's son, Neil, was there with his wife and we were very glad to see each other. Neil is very special to me. He's in his fifties but I know him the best of Glenda's kids. I played my flute at his first wedding many years ago when I was in college. But the thing that really bonds us together is that he lost his son just a few weeks before we lost ours. Despite his fresh pain and grief, he insisted on coming to Andrew's funeral to support us. He knew the pain we were feeling and wanted to be there for us. It meant a lot to me that he showed up and he cried as he hugged me when he arrived at our church for the service.
As usual, Neil gave me a huge, long, intense hug and we exchanged real pleasantries. In other words, that it was good to see each other and we really told each other how we were actually doing. We instinctively knew that we were talking about dealing with the loss of our sons. It was good to connect and share in the moment. Neil is such a good man and I was so glad he was there.
The concerns I had before were still playing in my mind as we sat down for the service to begin. Scott down next to a woman and put his arm around her. Finally I knew who his wife was. She was definitely having a hard time as she put her head on Scott's shoulder.
The pastor began the service reading the obituary. I read along and found myself at the end before the pastor. One of the last lines read, "she joins her son . . . and her grandparents . . .". And I closed my eyes as I thought, "wow, she joins her son. I look forward to joining mine someday. But she's with hers." And a tear ran down my cheek. I pressed my lips together and thought about being with Andrew. How nice that would be to see him and be with him.
I handed the program to my husband in case he wanted to read it and look at the pastor while thinking, "she joins her son". I kept thinking about that off and on for the rest of the night.
The rest of the service turned out to be rather "uneventful" in a sense. It wasn't a beautiful service. It wasn't very touching except for the beginning as people shared about their memories of this woman named PJ. It was rather strange actually. Not just because I didn't know the deceased or hardly anyone, it was just a different kind of service than I have been to before since most of the attendees didn't seem to be very respectful of what they were there for. Many were chatting throughout the special music numbers, which included a hip hop song that I found to be rather strange myself but it's what they chose.
We enjoyed time with Glenda afterwards, I got another huge hug from Neil and we headed on our way. Although not what I expected, we still were there for them. That made us feel good. And we knew we did the right thing. We were there for them.
Sunday, December 2, 2012
It's Coming
It's Sunday night. The eve of another work week. And this week my work hosts its annual Open House. And this year I'm looking forward to it. I have to send out some invites to some of my friends and hopefully have a chance to see them.
On the flip side, little princess has enjoyed having me home and we've spent most of the time together. I am feeling heavy of heart that I return to work again tomorrow and will be parted from her. I do not look forward to her expression when I come home. I know she'll adjust . . .
This has been another tough weekend.
Andrew's second birthday is coming up. How ironic, his second birthday anniversary will be Lynn's 2 month birthday. Slowly I am starting to dread this.
I think of him so much now.
Partly because of Lynn. It's hard not to draw some parallels. Not comparing really . . .
I don't know.
It's hard to describe.
On the flip side, little princess has enjoyed having me home and we've spent most of the time together. I am feeling heavy of heart that I return to work again tomorrow and will be parted from her. I do not look forward to her expression when I come home. I know she'll adjust . . .
This has been another tough weekend.
Andrew's second birthday is coming up. How ironic, his second birthday anniversary will be Lynn's 2 month birthday. Slowly I am starting to dread this.
I think of him so much now.
Partly because of Lynn. It's hard not to draw some parallels. Not comparing really . . .
I don't know.
It's hard to describe.
Saturday, December 1, 2012
Leaving Leave and Leaving Lynn
I have returned to work. My maternity leave is done.
And while it is good in some ways to be back at it again, it is also saddening to me too.
As I expected, the teams I work with held off on many things while I was out. And some things didn't move ahead because the temp didn't know to keep asking to keep them moving. Or how to ask or maybe that she should ask.
She did a good job but her inexperience definitely showed.
Each night I come home from the office and make a special point of saying hello to Lynn and planting a kiss on her forehead. I love her so much and miss her so during the day.
And she looks blankly at me almost like she doesn't know who I am. It just kills me. I hated leaving Andrew to go to work and Lynn is no different. I dread the moment I have to go away. And Lynn's almost indifference to me when I return tears my heart out. As my heart is sad that she is not happy to see me, I tell her that I love her and that I missed her so much and that I never leave because of her. I just have to work so that we can have a place to live and eat and stuff. I repeat that a few times to her throughout the evening and hold her close and give her as much attention and love as I am able to between doing the dishes, doing laundry and picking up the house.
A few hours into the evening, she finally lights up like a light bulb and gives me a smile while wiggling her legs with excitement. And I look deeply into her eyes and talk to her about how special she is, how precious and dear she is to me.
Unfortunately, I have to retire for the night to try to get some sleep before my night shift comes. The next morning, I get ready to leave, kiss her good-bye again and tell her that I love her so much, will miss her terribly and that I don't leave because of her. It's only because I have to work so that we can live. Otherwise I would be right there with her.
Gosh do I hate that I don't get to be with her during the day.
And while it is good in some ways to be back at it again, it is also saddening to me too.
As I expected, the teams I work with held off on many things while I was out. And some things didn't move ahead because the temp didn't know to keep asking to keep them moving. Or how to ask or maybe that she should ask.
She did a good job but her inexperience definitely showed.
Each night I come home from the office and make a special point of saying hello to Lynn and planting a kiss on her forehead. I love her so much and miss her so during the day.
And she looks blankly at me almost like she doesn't know who I am. It just kills me. I hated leaving Andrew to go to work and Lynn is no different. I dread the moment I have to go away. And Lynn's almost indifference to me when I return tears my heart out. As my heart is sad that she is not happy to see me, I tell her that I love her and that I missed her so much and that I never leave because of her. I just have to work so that we can have a place to live and eat and stuff. I repeat that a few times to her throughout the evening and hold her close and give her as much attention and love as I am able to between doing the dishes, doing laundry and picking up the house.
A few hours into the evening, she finally lights up like a light bulb and gives me a smile while wiggling her legs with excitement. And I look deeply into her eyes and talk to her about how special she is, how precious and dear she is to me.
Unfortunately, I have to retire for the night to try to get some sleep before my night shift comes. The next morning, I get ready to leave, kiss her good-bye again and tell her that I love her so much, will miss her terribly and that I don't leave because of her. It's only because I have to work so that we can live. Otherwise I would be right there with her.
Gosh do I hate that I don't get to be with her during the day.
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