Someone Remembers Andrew

Sunday morning I awoke with a great need to go to church. I needed to be in God's presence. I needed to see my friends. I needed a change of scenery. But I really needed to be with God.

I walked into the sanctuary looking forward to the start of worship and looked around to saw hello to some of my friends. After some waves and finding a seat, worship began. I held up my hands to invite the Lord to draw near and was thrilled to feel His presence around me and in the room. I relaxed into it, closed my eyes as I put back my head and entered into the music. Lingered in the moment. Enjoyed the peaceful calm and love that comes with Him.

When Mark finally got in there with Lynn, I tenderly undid her car seat straps, and with great care, lifted her out of seat and gently placed her body in my arms. I planted a tiny kiss on her forehead and snuggled her close as I went to show her off to Bonita.

I have known Bonita for two years now. She is like a mother to me. I love her dearly and just treasure having her as a friend. She's great and so encouraging and kind. Eevn after hearing me share my life story with her and listening to me confess the worst things I have done in my life. So she means a great deal to me to know so much and so much of what is NOT flattering or becoming about me and still love me anyway. And she was delighted to finally meet Lynn and have the opportunity to hold her.

"She's so beautiful Kay," she told me as she looked into Lynn's eyes affetionately. Our conversation continued for a few minutes talking about my daughter when she surprised me.

"I remember when you brought Andrew around for me to meet him. You were so proud then too."

Immediately I felt my heart strings pulled as I remembered showing him off to her. She was one of the few to meet him. I pressed my lips together tightly and began to notice the pain of his loss rising in me again. "Oh no." I thought. "Not again." And I looked down at the floor and gave her a bit of a smile.

But in the midst of this came this slight feeling of joy. She remembered Andrew. Someone remembered Andrew besides my immediate family.

It was nice to know that he wasn't totally forgotten. Granted, there are others who remember him. Hardly anyone brings him up. I don't know if it's becuase they are afraid I'll get upset or that they don't want to or if they really don't remember that I lost my son. Most likely though, it's because people don't know what to say or if they should say anything at all. Funny how you want people to remember, to talk about the one you lost and yet you don't at the same time. It's so odd and hard to explain unless you've been there.

I opened my mouth to say something and looked her in the eyes. She was looking at me fondly and with great care. And I realized that I was speechless and that my mouth was just hanging open.

Finally I replied, "Yes, I do." And smiled a bit at her again as I remembered that moment when I introduced Bonita to my little special. I thought I was about ready to cry and looked at the platform where the worship band was playing.

Interrupting my mixed emotional state, she exclaimed looking down at Lynn, "Gosh she is precious."

We exchanged a few more words about Lynn and how the boys are handling having a baby sister before she handed her back to me.

"This one is different, Kay because she'll stay with us. Won't she?" Bonita stated giving me a strong, supportive look.

"Yes she will." I said as I took her back into my arms.

Thank You God that someone remembers Andrew. That I get to share Lynn with others freely. For drawing close to me. You are too gracious and kind to me.

Saturday Night Continued

Last Saturday was one of the more difficult times that I have had in quite awhile. And I certainly don't enjoy them in the least.

After finally leaving Alex's room, I called a friend and she came over within a few minutes asking what is wrong. Thank God. I don't call that often crying into the phone. I do that with few people actually.

All I had to say was, "Andrew," and she hugged me while I cried.

I told her what had happened and she listened.

Alex peaked out. I think he was a bit worried since I was upset and crying. The boys don't like when they see me cry.

I reached out to him and he came into my arms readily and climbed up into my lap.

"It will be alright." I whispered in his ear as I wrapped my arms around him drawing him closer to me. "I love you."

Beth, my friend and neighbor, went into his room and read him his book.

I sat in my chair hunched over trying to push away the images of my son struggling for his life. Trying to stop feeling so much. I felt almost frantic in a way - like a caged animal.

Mark came home and I shared what had happened as Beth left. Then, in a frenzy, I gathered up my laptop to head into the bedroom to watch a movie. Anything to forget this. To numb the pain.

"Kay, don't medicate. It will only be repressed. I encourage you to feel it and deal with it tonight."

I sighed. I hated when he made sense.

So I curled up in bed and wrote about what happened.

I cried.

I felt.

I wanted to die it hurt so bad.

And then I went to sleep.

Sometimes It's Just Too Much

Too much pain.

There is just too much pain.

Picture this. I am putting the boys to bed tonight. Lynn is being a bit fussy. Ryan and Samuel do not want to stay in bed or quiet down so they are jumping around their room. Alex is walking around his room wrapped in his favorite blanket and keeps asking me to read his story to him. All 4 kids want attention at once and Mark is out at a meeting.

Me - I am tired from a day that started earlier than I would have preferred and am getting a bit frustrated. I tell Alex that I can't hold his baby sister and read his book at the same time. So unfortunately I am not able to read to him.

"You mean, she might fall out of your arms and die?" he asks and I swallow feeling some unwanted feelings surfacing.

"Yes Alex," I reply trying not to get emotional.

Eventually from that the topic of Andrew comes up. Alex sighed and actually begins to open up. This is the first time he has been willing to talk about the accident. His story is conflicting probably like his emotions.

"I don't know if it's my fault or Ryan's?" he states at one point.

He talks about what may have happened and I begin to picture what may have happened on that fateful day over a year and a half ago. Vividly I see the last moment of my son's life as it may have happened and find myself feeling so full of sorrow and pain at the memory that tears are beginning to creep out of my eyes as my mouth is frowning so hard it hurts.

It's too much pain.

It's just too much pain.

I'm holding Lynn and finally my son is opening up and I am beginning to feel like I want to just run away and hide in a hole somewhere far, far away. And at the same time feel this conflicting need to make sure that my son is okay and doesn't feel bad. The need to comfort him while I want to be anywhere but there at that moment.

Longing to just break down and cry and yet knowing that I have to stay strong for my son.

The juxtaposing feelings to being responsible and mature and wanting to say "to heck with this" and hide.

It's too much!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I manage to tell Alex that it's okay. That I'm upset right now but that it will be alright.

That it's not his fault or Ryan's fault.

That he doesn't need to feel bad or guilty.

That we don't blame him or Ryan at all.

It was just an accident.

That we love him.

And that it will be alright.

Then I quickly leave the room and begin to cry.

It's just too much!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I force myself to pull together and walk calmly into Alex's room to give him a kiss, tell him good-night and that I love him and tuck him in under his covers.

After leaving his room, I put Lynn down and get emotional. Tears run down my cheeks.

Sometimes it's just too much.

As Life Goes On, I Still Remember You Andrew

Today was Thanksgiving Day.

Andrew never celebrated Thanksgiving Day with us. We have never shared this holiday with him. That makes me a bit sad. How long will I think of him as we pass by holidays and each milestone? I suppose this is my lot in life for the remainder of my days.

There is so much we did not get to share with him.

And there will be more to come that we will not share with him. Such is life.

But it was Lynn's first Thanksgiving holiday. And the day was alright. A small gathering to celebrate the holiday, I took a short nap with Lynn sleeping on my chest this afternoon and we ended the day at at the Clymers who live just around the corner.

And now we head into the Christmas season. Andrew's second birthday will come in a few weeks. Oddly I find myself getting a bit down thinking of it. Last year I was so scared of the day coming and how it would be. And I am hoping that this year there will not be as much dread and trepidation at the arrival of that day.

In a conversation with my mother recently she said that she has 7 grandchildren. She made a point of spelling out that she still considers Andrew her grandson. And this warmed my heart. He may not be here with us but he's still a part of us. He will always be part of our family. Nothing will change that. And so few will know that.

So few will acknowledge him or know that he ever was with us for a time.

How sad to me. He was such a dear boy. So happy. So cheerful. So special.

My little special.

Happy Thanksgiving Andrew! Mommy still loves you with all of her heart. And you are never far from my thoughts. I will always love you Andrew. Always.

What Will Be Revealed in Time?

Introducing Lynn around has brought on a lot of conversations about our family size from those that don't know us but see or hear that we have a newborn. It's usual.

In fact, on one occasion, a young woman named Megan, asked how many older brothers she had? This was the first time that form of the question has arisen.

Now for me, whenever someone asks about our family size or our number of children or number of boys we have, I always answer that we have 4 children or 3 boys or that Lynn has 3 brothers. But my immediate next thought on my mind,that I do not share, is always something about Andrew. Just a quick mental pause where I remember him and think, "and you don't know about Andrew and won't."

We got Lynn's social security card in the mail this week. I commented that once again we would still be claiming 4 children on our taxes this year. Andrew was claimed the last 2 tax years since he was born in 2010 right at the end of the year and then died in 2011. Lynn arrived this year, in 2012. How odd in a way.

Mark immediately commented, "I wish it were 5."

"Me too," was my response and Mark was in a dampened mood the rest of the day.

I wonder at times what it would be like if he were still here. He'd be walking around and running after his bigger brothers. But what would he be like. He was always such a happy boy who loved to laugh. I think he was destined to be a joker since he seemed to love getting me with "the fountain" whenever I changed his diaper and then would look at me and giggle. Little pill. But what else would there be.

He would also be close to being caught up developmentally at this point in his life. I wonder how delayed he would have been in different areas and how that would have been like.

I was talking with one of my dear friends this week about our children and how different they all are. He commented on how Lynn's personality will eventually start showing itself. "All will be revealed in time." He kept saying. This is true. So far I know she is very easy going and seems to be a happy  girl. She's very much mommy's girl so far but she is quite her daddy as well. But what more to come, is yet to be seen.

Yes, all will be revealed in time my dear friend.

Spirits are High

This week has been a pretty good week. I imagine part of it is due to the fact that I ended up starting the antidepressants and giving up nursing Lynn. While a sad reality, it is for the best. The low times were coming on so strong and were going deeper and deeper into a dark place that one should not have to travel, that I knew it was better for Lynn to have her mother than not to. We got to have some time bonding in that very special way and she got the benefits to the added nutrients in the breastmilk for a few weeks. And now I seem to have joined the land of the living. Hopefully in 6 months, I can wean off of them and be fine.

It's also been a good week because I've gotten to show Lynn off to some of the people that I wanted to have meet her the most. Some of the most dear to me have already met her but there were just a few more and one in particular that had yet to make her acquaintance. And now there's only my adopted older brother, Terry, and a very special woman that is a precious friend to me, Bonita, among extended family left to have the opportunity.

My boss left a meeting with a big client to meet her and he held her in a way that I said to me he wasn't the most comfortable having her in his arms. I told him it was good grandpa practice for him to which he chuckled and said that it would be awhile before that would come.

Pat, another coworker I just love working with, held her close and gave her kisses. Pat is just great!

Emlyn and I hung out at her desk while Lynn scarfed down a bottle and gave out a good burpie.

And then there was just trying to catch one of my dearest friends. It was hit and miss but after insisting that his schedule would be clear for staying in town until the end of this week, I made sure to make a special, quick trip into town to have the two meet. And she gave him the honor of opening her eyes as he held her securely showing off how he's an experienced father. Few have gotten the privilege yet mostly due to her being at a sleepy time when she's met most everyone. I was so glad and my heart was full. It was great! I really wanted to give him a big hug but decided not to this time.

And now, at the end of the week, Mark took off for a few days at the House of Prayer in Kansas City to recharge. I didn't get much sleep last night since my antidepressant has a side effect in of keeping me awake. So I have to take medicine to be able to sleep. Although since it also conks me out so well for the first few hours I didn't dare take it to make sure that I would hear Lynn awaken for her bottles at night. I do have time to recover from an all nighter and her needs are the most important.

Emlyn came over to do the "late shift" with me last night. We talked until the 3 am bottle. I wasn't going to sleep anyway and she seemed to need an ear. I was also loving the girl talk myself and talking about writing some more with someone who is in the same place as I am. We're sharing what we learn with each other and what we write. Anyway, I got to sleep after the 5 am bottle. My body was finally tired enough to overcome the antidepressant it seemed but only for the next 4 hours. Now I'm incapable of sleeping again since I did have to take my next dose of my medicine. So today hurts a bit but my spirits are high because Lynn has gotten to meet almost everyone that is important to me.

If only I could have done this with Andrew while he was alive instead of at his funeral and visitation and through this blog.



 

Missing Andrew

I miss Andrew. Period.

No explanation needed.

I miss him.

I hold Lynnand just find her to be so special and wonderful. I love her so much and am so grateful that she is with us.

And then I think of Andrew. How I held him. How I loved him when he was with us. And I miss him. I wish we had more pictures to capture his memory better.

He will just be a name to her. A face in a picture. I wonder how he will affect her through the rest of us who knew him and grieve his loss.

But in the end, I just miss him.

I love you little special. I just love you so much.

A Night Out

Last night Mark gave me the pleasure of being able to go out with a girlfriend to hang out. We went to an Open House that my boss holds every year for the building that he owns in town. He will comment if I am in attendance or not and since I have missed the last 2 years I told Mark I should probably make a point of going this year. With his blessing, he told me to go ahead and go and to go out afterwards for a bite to eat. So I called up Emlyn, a lighting designer I work with and am good friends with, and we met up at the building to start out our evening.

We walked in the door and I was pleasantly surprised to hear the voice of a very good and dear friend of mine who was right inside the door waiting for his family. "What? Empty arms?" Or something like that came my way. It was so good to see him, share some quick banter and show off my little girl a little bit. You see, I anticipated I might run into some people who didn't get to meet Lynn this week, so I took a few pictures on my cell phone just before I left the house. I also enjoyed that two of my friends that I have talked to about the other finally got to meet as they introduced themselves to each other. Funny, as I thought about it later, he didn't quite seem like himself totally. He said he had a really busy week and would have another next week. Maybe he was just tired. Hopefully that was all.

From there we headed upstairs and I had an opportunity to see my boss who was glad to see me. I think now I am finally used to how outside of work or at social events he will give me a big hug accompanied by a big kiss on the cheek.

He wants me to make an appointment with him when I bring Lynn into town so that he can meet her next time. The picture Emlyn took of me and texted to some of my colleagues I am closer to at work was good but he wants to meet her in person. I even got to meet my boss' ex-wife. I have only worked with Davis for almost 4 years now and heard about her frequently so it was good to finally have a face with her voice and name.

I got to exchange some other hugs that evening as I ran into other colleagues and friends of mine as we walked around the building. It felt really good to be out and get to socialize. And then we left and went to a restaurant to catch up and enjoy dessert.

While we always talk men - we are women, we spent most of our time talking about writing. She wants to write a book about a syndrome that she suffers from to help others like her understand it better, learn more about it and not feel alone. It's not overly common. So she's looking into writer's conferences. There's one in Hawaii in January she may go to. I told her I have been toying with writing a book since I was in high school. In fact, one of my plans in high school was to stay at home with the kids and write books. Oh how we dream when we're young and oh how life throws its twists. So I discussed my idea with her in great detail. I'd love to go that writer's conference as well but that won't be happening. I'd have to find something closer and a little more reasonable in price.

I had an English professor offer to mentor me in college and try to talk me into changing my major to English. But I told her a double-major was enough for me so Professor Menning just lived with proofing all of my papers and strengthening my craft on the side. It was an honor and a joy to have in my corner and she taught me a lot. I miss her actually. She was always so kind and caring and encouraging and personable.

I even shared with Emlyn about the last boyfriend I had before meeting Mark who was and is a writer. He's actually published. In fact, when we were going out, he was just launching his writing career and was writing his first book. So some of our dates involved us going to a writing group of his. He provided me with some good insight into the industry and thought I had potential to get published. We encouraged each other in our writing, critiqued each other's work and cheered each other on. Maybe I'll contact him by email to ask a few questions like if he has a writer's conference he could recommend so that I could avoid some bad ones that won't provide much.

I've had some others encouraging me to write as well in addition to my family. I have started my book it's just getting it down more and more and learning how to get something published and going out to meet people. Oh crap. Networking. Not my greatest strength especially when I don't know anyone. Last night I networked and didn't mind so much since I knew people who were there. It's the getting to the knowing that it a bit of a challenge for me. Oh well, if it's what must be done I'll just have to find a way to push past this.

Anyway, after enjoying a few hours of adult conversation and some girl talk, I returned home in time to spend the last few hours of Lynn's day with her in my arms as she fell asleep with her head on my chest. I whispered to her about my night, gave her little kisses on her head while telling her how much I love her as I listened to her breathing deeply and with great contentment. And then she reached out her hand and touched my neck before settling down, letting out a huge sigh and falling into a deep sleep at 1 am. Good night little wonder.

Swinging Low

Gosh do I hate the mood swings that come after you have a baby. And the more that you have, the more prone you are to having more intense mood swings and the fun that comes with those. I started noticing it a bit after having Ryan (#4 baby). But with Andrew it got so bad that I didn't want to get out bed and didn't want to see Andrew. Now that's losing some major interest in life there. And unfortunately, with the arrival of my dear Lynn, it is quicker in onset and I think more intense.

Last week was tough in just general recovery. Being in my late 30's and giving birth to child #5 equalled a very, extremely tired out mommy. This week I am generally feeling better. More awake and with it. I'm also so excited that the water balloons that have occupied my feet for the last two weeks, have now gone away leaving me with my normal feet. (Gosh I hope I did not go up in shoe size again.) So I am able to walk around a whole lot better now. I am even thinking it is time to break out the treadmill and begin some walking and am getting excited to start my Pilates to get my figure back. There may be more of me to love but that doesn't mean I want to occupy this state of extra me to go around.

But those mood swings are almost incapacitating. I have a script for an antidepressant but know that if I start taking it, I can't breastfeed Lynn any more. And this is something she has been the most eager and willing to have of any of the kids. Only Andrew's desire for it rivals hers and she beats him only because she is full term and able to handle breastfeeding. Poor little Andrew barely had enough energy to nurse 10 minutes on 1 side and would not be able to get out enough to actually fill his tiny belly after the first week of his life.

Granted, any OB will say it's fine to breastfeed her. But there is no medical proof that such a powerful medication does NOT leak into breastmilk. I refused to take antidepressants while pregnant due to the risks to her development to the point that I quit a high dosage cold turkey when I found out I was pregnant. And that withdrawal was no piece of cake. So while pregnant, I lived with my struggle with the depression much to the hardship of my husband and family. Well, and my job too I guess. And the thought of her taking an antidepressant right along with me, even in tiny doses, does not seem right or fair to her.

So my choice is to let her have something that is special to us that provides her with great nutrients leaving me swinging into some really low places about every 48 hours where I am incapable of doing much except take up space or give that up and be able to start being involved with life.

It's not as easy of a decision in some respects as one might think. But gosh would it be nice to not swing so low and actually get up and feel alive again. Actually contribute to my home and not drag around. Not feel like a lead brick. Not struggle with just being alive. Not want to sleep all the time and be shut down. But enjoy the time at home with my boys before returning to the grind of the job. Maybe I should just try to force myself to pull ahead. Maybe if I start exercising it will boost my emotions enough to get me what I need so that I can continue breastfeeding. I just don't want to give up on that when it's important to her. I don't want to be selfish or seek the easy way out for her.