Swinging Low

Gosh do I hate the mood swings that come after you have a baby. And the more that you have, the more prone you are to having more intense mood swings and the fun that comes with those. I started noticing it a bit after having Ryan (#4 baby). But with Andrew it got so bad that I didn't want to get out bed and didn't want to see Andrew. Now that's losing some major interest in life there. And unfortunately, with the arrival of my dear Lynn, it is quicker in onset and I think more intense.

Last week was tough in just general recovery. Being in my late 30's and giving birth to child #5 equalled a very, extremely tired out mommy. This week I am generally feeling better. More awake and with it. I'm also so excited that the water balloons that have occupied my feet for the last two weeks, have now gone away leaving me with my normal feet. (Gosh I hope I did not go up in shoe size again.) So I am able to walk around a whole lot better now. I am even thinking it is time to break out the treadmill and begin some walking and am getting excited to start my Pilates to get my figure back. There may be more of me to love but that doesn't mean I want to occupy this state of extra me to go around.

But those mood swings are almost incapacitating. I have a script for an antidepressant but know that if I start taking it, I can't breastfeed Lynn any more. And this is something she has been the most eager and willing to have of any of the kids. Only Andrew's desire for it rivals hers and she beats him only because she is full term and able to handle breastfeeding. Poor little Andrew barely had enough energy to nurse 10 minutes on 1 side and would not be able to get out enough to actually fill his tiny belly after the first week of his life.

Granted, any OB will say it's fine to breastfeed her. But there is no medical proof that such a powerful medication does NOT leak into breastmilk. I refused to take antidepressants while pregnant due to the risks to her development to the point that I quit a high dosage cold turkey when I found out I was pregnant. And that withdrawal was no piece of cake. So while pregnant, I lived with my struggle with the depression much to the hardship of my husband and family. Well, and my job too I guess. And the thought of her taking an antidepressant right along with me, even in tiny doses, does not seem right or fair to her.

So my choice is to let her have something that is special to us that provides her with great nutrients leaving me swinging into some really low places about every 48 hours where I am incapable of doing much except take up space or give that up and be able to start being involved with life.

It's not as easy of a decision in some respects as one might think. But gosh would it be nice to not swing so low and actually get up and feel alive again. Actually contribute to my home and not drag around. Not feel like a lead brick. Not struggle with just being alive. Not want to sleep all the time and be shut down. But enjoy the time at home with my boys before returning to the grind of the job. Maybe I should just try to force myself to pull ahead. Maybe if I start exercising it will boost my emotions enough to get me what I need so that I can continue breastfeeding. I just don't want to give up on that when it's important to her. I don't want to be selfish or seek the easy way out for her.