Sometimes It's Just Too Much

Too much pain.

There is just too much pain.

Picture this. I am putting the boys to bed tonight. Lynn is being a bit fussy. Ryan and Samuel do not want to stay in bed or quiet down so they are jumping around their room. Alex is walking around his room wrapped in his favorite blanket and keeps asking me to read his story to him. All 4 kids want attention at once and Mark is out at a meeting.

Me - I am tired from a day that started earlier than I would have preferred and am getting a bit frustrated. I tell Alex that I can't hold his baby sister and read his book at the same time. So unfortunately I am not able to read to him.

"You mean, she might fall out of your arms and die?" he asks and I swallow feeling some unwanted feelings surfacing.

"Yes Alex," I reply trying not to get emotional.

Eventually from that the topic of Andrew comes up. Alex sighed and actually begins to open up. This is the first time he has been willing to talk about the accident. His story is conflicting probably like his emotions.

"I don't know if it's my fault or Ryan's?" he states at one point.

He talks about what may have happened and I begin to picture what may have happened on that fateful day over a year and a half ago. Vividly I see the last moment of my son's life as it may have happened and find myself feeling so full of sorrow and pain at the memory that tears are beginning to creep out of my eyes as my mouth is frowning so hard it hurts.

It's too much pain.

It's just too much pain.

I'm holding Lynn and finally my son is opening up and I am beginning to feel like I want to just run away and hide in a hole somewhere far, far away. And at the same time feel this conflicting need to make sure that my son is okay and doesn't feel bad. The need to comfort him while I want to be anywhere but there at that moment.

Longing to just break down and cry and yet knowing that I have to stay strong for my son.

The juxtaposing feelings to being responsible and mature and wanting to say "to heck with this" and hide.

It's too much!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I manage to tell Alex that it's okay. That I'm upset right now but that it will be alright.

That it's not his fault or Ryan's fault.

That he doesn't need to feel bad or guilty.

That we don't blame him or Ryan at all.

It was just an accident.

That we love him.

And that it will be alright.

Then I quickly leave the room and begin to cry.

It's just too much!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I force myself to pull together and walk calmly into Alex's room to give him a kiss, tell him good-night and that I love him and tuck him in under his covers.

After leaving his room, I put Lynn down and get emotional. Tears run down my cheeks.

Sometimes it's just too much.