And So Marks the Beggining of the 1 Year Anniversary

One year ago today the unthinkable happened. The day started like any other. I fed Andrew around 5 am, changed his diaper and collapsed into bed hoping for another hour or two of sleep. I slept past my alarm, rushed to get ready and headed into the office late at 8:30. I was working hard on a planning project where I was a part of the team. They were heading on their first round of facility tours the following Monday and I was feverishly gathering all of the documentation, drawings and getting the assessment forms finalized for the team's use. I ate lunch and was making progress on getting things done when Sam came over. Nothing unusual there until he asked me to come with him. And bring your purse.

That really made me stop. He was speaking in a loud whisper and I had to wonder what was going on. "This is not about you."

That helped me to move a little faster but I was puzzled as I walked with him to the reception area. "It's about your son."

"My son?" And my mind began to race. Which son? What happened? What was going on? And why was there a police officer at my work? What was going on?

And that was the beginning of a part of our family's journey to losing Andrew to heaven and walking through the process of grieving his loss. Knowing a pain greater than few other.

Mark thought it was yesterday and he said it hit him when he was visiting his dad. I know that it was today. June 2nd. How could I forget? The doctors gave him 48 hours to respond to their course of treatment. He was alive when they induced his coma and never woke up from it. His body even refused to warm up he was so far gone by that point.

So a year ago, I was home having trouble going to sleep. Wanting to be at the hospital by Andrew's side but instead, being at home. Mark wanted to be at the hospital for the night shift. The boys were used to me being home when they awakened and we wanted to give them as much of a semblance to normalcy as we could. So torn but hopeful my son would awaken just fine, I was at home longing to be by Andrew's side in case he needed me.

How will the next few days be for us? I don't think the boys will know. Mark may be just fine. I don't know. I may find them to pass without much. I don't know.

When we lost Lexi, that 1st anniversary of her death was very difficult on me. I was moody and off balanced emotionally the whole week. Mark couldn't understand it until I reminded him that it was the anniversary of her death. Since she was such an early miscarriage, it was like she wasn't really all that real to him. He doesn't mention her when we talk about the kids. All the kids I mean. Not just the ones that are alive with us now. He'll acknowledge Andrew but does not bring up Lexi. I'm the one that has to bring her up. It's just how it is. I carried her. I bond with my children pretty quickly when I carry them. By the time I feel them moving and then have the ultrasound, I am speaking to them regularly and beginning to get to know them. For Mark, it isn't until the ultrasound and then when they kick that they become real in a sense. It's just how he is.

Her death affected me annually for the first 2 years and then became less and less of a difficulty. She died on Valentine's Day so it's hard for me not to recall the date. It's also the day Mark proposed to me. It made that anniversary interesting for those years.

So how will this be for me? Will I be able to function? Will I be able to live that day or just go through the motions?

There is a trembling inside me at the uncertainty. A slight dread. A wish to just pass by the day.