Where We Were a Year Ago

One year and here we are. No little special among us except in our hearts and minds.

I have been dreading this milestone for the past few weeks. And here we have arrived. It was one year ago yesterday that he died. One year ago that I thought I was going to die because of how much pain I was feeling from having lost him.

I woke on this day, the 5th, one year with this unbelievable stabbing pain in my heart. It began within seconds of my waking causing me to close my eyes tightly wishing I could go back to sleep and forget another few minutes that Andrew was gone. I remember shaking my head not wanting to remember that the most unbelievable thing had happened yesterday.

I sat up and hung my head shaking it again in disbelief. This couldn't be happening. I remember thinking to myself that it seemed like it would be forever before I would ever stop feeling such a loss as this. That the future didn't seem like it would come. That time seemed to be so cruel.

I actually got out of bed and kept my attention away from the far side of the room. The place where Andrew's pack 'n play and dresser sat reminding us vividly of his existence. The open hole in our home was so deafening. You could feel the emptiness that was the hole left due to Andrew's departure. And it hurt. And for some reason I went into the master bathroom and took a shower. I suppose it was more out of routine.

I called some friends and soon we had some friends over to help out with the boys and to help Mark and I out. After some kind of breakfast, I went into the bedroom to begin putting away Andrew's things. I didn't want to but Mark wanted every trace of him removed from our sight. So to honor him, I tried to do my part even though I did not feel like it. I wanted to hold his things close and curl up into a ball and not exist any longer. I wanted to keep everything as it was for just a little longer. I wanted to leave everything as it was as though he was still with us.

I wanted my son back.

I did alright gathering his laundry until I got to his car seat. It sat at the end of the pack 'n play and we'd load him up into it when we went somewhere. I was already emotional but then I saw a direct reference to his little life. You see, in the seat, lay one of his receiving blankets that he had sat upon. And what's more is that the blanket contained creases and folds that formed the exact imprint of his little, tiny butt.

My eyes welled up with tears and my hand carefully traced down the back and landed on where his little bottom sat just a few days ago. And I lost it and collapsed to my knees as my hand stayed hung over the side of the pack 'n play. In no time I was sobbing and ended up on the floor next to his bed. Mark happened to walk by the room. One of the boys was looking in the room. Mark grabbed the door and asked my son (I don't recall which one it was) to just leave me alone and quietly shut the door. Not long after that SueEllen came into the room and she sat with me as I sobbed.

Eventually I grabbed the blanket and threw it into the dirty clothes and sobbed some more. Torn by my desire to figure out where the mid-point was between my grief process and his. And I hated that I couldn't have that blanket with Andrew's body imprint on it I just wanted to hold that forever. Have it close to me always. I regret that decision still.

After putting that load in the laundry Mark didn't talk much more about packing up Andrew's things which gave me great relief.

The rest of that day is a fog of crying, heartache, trying to force myself to mother the boys, going on long walks to get away to think and I don't know what else.

So different from now. I went to work. Submitted a proposal. Went on with life as though it were completely normal. Carrying his little sister that will not meet him here in this life. Will only hear about her older brother Andrew. The boys all excited about their new sibling. Possibly forgetting their brother a little bit.

But I will never forget. How can I forget my little special?

I love you Andrew. And I still miss you like crazy.