The Epiphany

Actually admitting out loud that a portion of my pain over losing Andrew stems from my view of his perception of me has turned out to be quite a huge bite to chew. I couldn't sleep last night because of it. I went to bed at about 4 am. Tomorrow is really going to hurt since it takes an extra day for the lack of sleep to really impact me. Gosh do I miss the days of being younger where such an event only took a day or two to recover from. Now it can be up to a week.

Anyway, I kept thinking about it and crying. We're talking sobs. Loud cries. Evidently this is a bit larger of a piece of the puzzle to work through than I thought. But the flood of pain and sorrow that was released by this revelation and acknowledgement has been a bit overwhelming. I stayed in my pajamas and eventually got myself together to make dinner for Mark, spend some time with Alex alone and put the boys to bed after some family theatre time.

So I let myself feel this a bit and acknowledge it so that it can pass. Now I feel at peace again and ready to tackle a new week of work.

God is good all the time. And all the time God is good. Whether it feels like it or not. And my epiphany has caused me to ask a vital question of myself. I may feel insignificant or unnoticed or as though I am not special at times. But what about my other boys? My husband? Others in my life? It's not enough for me to realize I feel that way at times, whether true or false. But what about them? What am I doing to make sure that they know that I think they are special? So that they know that they are significant? That God has plans and purposes for them. That there is a reason that they exist. Do they know that? And how can I make sure that they know this and not struggle with this as I have so often in my lifetime and still do at times?

God show me how to do this for others. And remind me of how I have my significance, my identity in You.