The Odd Thoughts and Memorial Day

I thought about some of the oddest things after Andrew died. The thought of him lying naked on some slab until we got him clothes bugged me. The thought of him being buried in a cemetery alone made me very sad for him. That he was cut open and examined didn't seem right. That we left him alone at the cemetery to be buried by a stranger felt heartbreaking.

How odd. I know his body was just a shell at that point, but these things bugged me immensely and caught me quite off guard. I am usually quite logical about most things or analytical and factual. But the truth was, my emotions and the sentimentality of what his body represented, I suppose, is what rose up so strong in those moments.

But it comforted me to know that he was covered by a sheet. That a member of the funeral home's staff was always present so that he wasn't alone and that we were able to purchase plots for us to be buried next to Andrew whenever that time may come. He would not be alone in the cemetery afterall.

It's like when I go to the cemetery. I haven't gone a whole lot really. But with Memorial Day, Mark asked if we should go. I didn't know what to think until we talked the day before and he mentioned that he went with the boys and his mom. I was out of town visiting a dear friend that I consider to be an adopted older brother of mine with some other good friends of his and mine. So I was unable to go. But when he told me he did that, it hit me funny. Why did he go without me?

(He called me back later and wanted to make sure we were okay. He thought I sounded upset and wanted to make sure I was okay or if I needed to talk about it. He explained that his mother was off, would be working on Memorial Day and wanted to take flowers to put on Andrew's grave. He didn't think she should do that alone and took the boys with. So he offered that we could go as a family when I was back.)

We went the following day. Memorial Day. The boys handled it well. Ryan didn't understand but he doesn't seem to remember Andrew anyway. Alex did fine. And Samuel sat down in front of the grave and told me that he missed Andrew.

"Yeah. I do too. And it's very normal that we miss him. He was a part of our family and still is. And I'm glad you shared that with me."

And me? Well, when we pulled up a huge surge of emotions flew up in me so quickly I teared up and couldn't hardly talk or think. It amazed how I was doing alright one moment and then the next I was a bundle of emotions especially sorrow. I walked to his grave, sat down and cried. With the boys joining me a moment later, I gathered myself a little bit in case they wanted to talk about their brother. 

Eventually I got up to leave. It was too much. And again my mind kept marveling at the emotions involved with a place that holds only what remains of Andrew even though I know he is not there. How odd that such a place makes me feel the loss so fresh and real that I could almost touch it.

I sat down in the van, closed the door and put my head down. Suddenly I just began to cry hard. Mark just sat there patiently and reached over to rub my arm as he watched. I just kept staring at my lap that was blurred from the tears. The boys asked what was wrong and Mark just told them I was sad that Andrew was gone. But that mommy would be all right. And after a few minutes, the tears stopped streaming down my face and my heart wasn't so heavy. I had allowed myself to feel the pain and sadness and now the moment was passing. So Mark started the van and we drove through the countryside on our way home.