Mushy Monday

This just gets crazy. Monday morning I was a ball of mush. If you want to know what a human form of mush is, you should have seen me Monday morning. I pulled myself out of bed after hardly sleeping. I trudged through a shower and getting dressed and drove to work in a zombie-like state. I kept wondering how I was going to make it through the day. I was so exhausted and was glad to plop into my desk at work until the release into my chair led to tears that would not stop.

I cried continually for 2 hours and couldn't seem to collect myself even though I was trying to get my day started. People would come over to talk to me and would quickly leave. I was trying to hide my shaky emotional state but was not succeeding well at all. So they would usually back away awkwardly and I would try to bury my head in my computer. It was not a pretty sight.

I try to rotate around who I talk to so as to avoid burning anyone out with my babblings. Unfortunately my choice this time ended up being out of town on business. So the hug was coming across the email and a chance to chat would have to wait.

Well eventually I gathered myself to function and begin accomplishing something. Afterall anymore at work I am so slammed I don't know if I'm coming or going. It's crazy. And I am saddened that my responsibilities are more of a secretary nature than getting to do much design or writing. So it's plowing through this and that onto the next rush thing barely keeping up and often falling behind.

I am asking God to let me leave. At least if I'm going to be treated like a secretary and nothing more I'd prefer to have the title and no expectation of overtime placed on me. Or the hectic stress I have now. But I need to make sure He is opening the door for something else either for me or for Mark.

And here I thought I would work there for 20 years or more. But I also thought I would be able to move beyond my current position into something that would allow me to do things I really like to do. That does not seem like a possibility at all which has been hard to accept. And actually was quite poor thinking on part to assume the company owed me a promotion.Wrong attitude Kay. Where is your thankful heart?

The week Andrew died, I worked 55 hours the week before and put in 42 between Sunday and Thursday noon when I was rushed to the hospital. Cranking on a deadline for a promotion I hoped would happen this year or be able to be really worked towards this year, I missed out on the last days on my son's life for something that was not worth the cost. I didn't hardly hold him or see him that week before he died. And when the new year came, there was no extra bonus for my efforts or a raise to show appreciation for my extra hard work at marketing and project administration. Instead both were smaller than the prior year and my boss hinted loudly that I was not to work on a project like I had that one again. It took too much time away from my regular duties.

I should have been with him. I should have taken a maternity leave but didn't hardly get one of those either. Money was tight and I had little time off accumulated. (My company has no short-term disability leave). And I am still trying to forgive myself. In trying to do better for my family I missed it. And I don't believe I will make that mistake again which is why I am considering moving on. Less stress and more time and energy would be good for my boys and girl. It's just trying to discern if there is a door opening or not for me to walk through after I have little baby bundle. And where can I match my current pay being just an administrative assistant. A step backwards but probably best for my family if I can make sure I bring home enough to take care of all of us. And that's hard. Maybe I'll try for an Exec Assistant position. They can make more than I do now. Well, I don't have to decide right now. No one will hire a pregnant woman despite our current laws. So I must wait anyway. Maybe start updating the resume. Continue to seek God for guidance and wisdom. Maybe He'll do something to amaze me as He has done many times in the past with jobs.