Someone Remembers Andrew

Sunday morning I awoke with a great need to go to church. I needed to be in God's presence. I needed to see my friends. I needed a change of scenery. But I really needed to be with God.

I walked into the sanctuary looking forward to the start of worship and looked around to saw hello to some of my friends. After some waves and finding a seat, worship began. I held up my hands to invite the Lord to draw near and was thrilled to feel His presence around me and in the room. I relaxed into it, closed my eyes as I put back my head and entered into the music. Lingered in the moment. Enjoyed the peaceful calm and love that comes with Him.

When Mark finally got in there with Lynn, I tenderly undid her car seat straps, and with great care, lifted her out of seat and gently placed her body in my arms. I planted a tiny kiss on her forehead and snuggled her close as I went to show her off to Bonita.

I have known Bonita for two years now. She is like a mother to me. I love her dearly and just treasure having her as a friend. She's great and so encouraging and kind. Eevn after hearing me share my life story with her and listening to me confess the worst things I have done in my life. So she means a great deal to me to know so much and so much of what is NOT flattering or becoming about me and still love me anyway. And she was delighted to finally meet Lynn and have the opportunity to hold her.

"She's so beautiful Kay," she told me as she looked into Lynn's eyes affetionately. Our conversation continued for a few minutes talking about my daughter when she surprised me.

"I remember when you brought Andrew around for me to meet him. You were so proud then too."

Immediately I felt my heart strings pulled as I remembered showing him off to her. She was one of the few to meet him. I pressed my lips together tightly and began to notice the pain of his loss rising in me again. "Oh no." I thought. "Not again." And I looked down at the floor and gave her a bit of a smile.

But in the midst of this came this slight feeling of joy. She remembered Andrew. Someone remembered Andrew besides my immediate family.

It was nice to know that he wasn't totally forgotten. Granted, there are others who remember him. Hardly anyone brings him up. I don't know if it's becuase they are afraid I'll get upset or that they don't want to or if they really don't remember that I lost my son. Most likely though, it's because people don't know what to say or if they should say anything at all. Funny how you want people to remember, to talk about the one you lost and yet you don't at the same time. It's so odd and hard to explain unless you've been there.

I opened my mouth to say something and looked her in the eyes. She was looking at me fondly and with great care. And I realized that I was speechless and that my mouth was just hanging open.

Finally I replied, "Yes, I do." And smiled a bit at her again as I remembered that moment when I introduced Bonita to my little special. I thought I was about ready to cry and looked at the platform where the worship band was playing.

Interrupting my mixed emotional state, she exclaimed looking down at Lynn, "Gosh she is precious."

We exchanged a few more words about Lynn and how the boys are handling having a baby sister before she handed her back to me.

"This one is different, Kay because she'll stay with us. Won't she?" Bonita stated giving me a strong, supportive look.

"Yes she will." I said as I took her back into my arms.

Thank You God that someone remembers Andrew. That I get to share Lynn with others freely. For drawing close to me. You are too gracious and kind to me.

Saturday Night Continued

Last Saturday was one of the more difficult times that I have had in quite awhile. And I certainly don't enjoy them in the least.

After finally leaving Alex's room, I called a friend and she came over within a few minutes asking what is wrong. Thank God. I don't call that often crying into the phone. I do that with few people actually.

All I had to say was, "Andrew," and she hugged me while I cried.

I told her what had happened and she listened.

Alex peaked out. I think he was a bit worried since I was upset and crying. The boys don't like when they see me cry.

I reached out to him and he came into my arms readily and climbed up into my lap.

"It will be alright." I whispered in his ear as I wrapped my arms around him drawing him closer to me. "I love you."

Beth, my friend and neighbor, went into his room and read him his book.

I sat in my chair hunched over trying to push away the images of my son struggling for his life. Trying to stop feeling so much. I felt almost frantic in a way - like a caged animal.

Mark came home and I shared what had happened as Beth left. Then, in a frenzy, I gathered up my laptop to head into the bedroom to watch a movie. Anything to forget this. To numb the pain.

"Kay, don't medicate. It will only be repressed. I encourage you to feel it and deal with it tonight."

I sighed. I hated when he made sense.

So I curled up in bed and wrote about what happened.

I cried.

I felt.

I wanted to die it hurt so bad.

And then I went to sleep.

Sometimes It's Just Too Much

Too much pain.

There is just too much pain.

Picture this. I am putting the boys to bed tonight. Lynn is being a bit fussy. Ryan and Samuel do not want to stay in bed or quiet down so they are jumping around their room. Alex is walking around his room wrapped in his favorite blanket and keeps asking me to read his story to him. All 4 kids want attention at once and Mark is out at a meeting.

Me - I am tired from a day that started earlier than I would have preferred and am getting a bit frustrated. I tell Alex that I can't hold his baby sister and read his book at the same time. So unfortunately I am not able to read to him.

"You mean, she might fall out of your arms and die?" he asks and I swallow feeling some unwanted feelings surfacing.

"Yes Alex," I reply trying not to get emotional.

Eventually from that the topic of Andrew comes up. Alex sighed and actually begins to open up. This is the first time he has been willing to talk about the accident. His story is conflicting probably like his emotions.

"I don't know if it's my fault or Ryan's?" he states at one point.

He talks about what may have happened and I begin to picture what may have happened on that fateful day over a year and a half ago. Vividly I see the last moment of my son's life as it may have happened and find myself feeling so full of sorrow and pain at the memory that tears are beginning to creep out of my eyes as my mouth is frowning so hard it hurts.

It's too much pain.

It's just too much pain.

I'm holding Lynn and finally my son is opening up and I am beginning to feel like I want to just run away and hide in a hole somewhere far, far away. And at the same time feel this conflicting need to make sure that my son is okay and doesn't feel bad. The need to comfort him while I want to be anywhere but there at that moment.

Longing to just break down and cry and yet knowing that I have to stay strong for my son.

The juxtaposing feelings to being responsible and mature and wanting to say "to heck with this" and hide.

It's too much!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I manage to tell Alex that it's okay. That I'm upset right now but that it will be alright.

That it's not his fault or Ryan's fault.

That he doesn't need to feel bad or guilty.

That we don't blame him or Ryan at all.

It was just an accident.

That we love him.

And that it will be alright.

Then I quickly leave the room and begin to cry.

It's just too much!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I force myself to pull together and walk calmly into Alex's room to give him a kiss, tell him good-night and that I love him and tuck him in under his covers.

After leaving his room, I put Lynn down and get emotional. Tears run down my cheeks.

Sometimes it's just too much.

As Life Goes On, I Still Remember You Andrew

Today was Thanksgiving Day.

Andrew never celebrated Thanksgiving Day with us. We have never shared this holiday with him. That makes me a bit sad. How long will I think of him as we pass by holidays and each milestone? I suppose this is my lot in life for the remainder of my days.

There is so much we did not get to share with him.

And there will be more to come that we will not share with him. Such is life.

But it was Lynn's first Thanksgiving holiday. And the day was alright. A small gathering to celebrate the holiday, I took a short nap with Lynn sleeping on my chest this afternoon and we ended the day at at the Clymers who live just around the corner.

And now we head into the Christmas season. Andrew's second birthday will come in a few weeks. Oddly I find myself getting a bit down thinking of it. Last year I was so scared of the day coming and how it would be. And I am hoping that this year there will not be as much dread and trepidation at the arrival of that day.

In a conversation with my mother recently she said that she has 7 grandchildren. She made a point of spelling out that she still considers Andrew her grandson. And this warmed my heart. He may not be here with us but he's still a part of us. He will always be part of our family. Nothing will change that. And so few will know that.

So few will acknowledge him or know that he ever was with us for a time.

How sad to me. He was such a dear boy. So happy. So cheerful. So special.

My little special.

Happy Thanksgiving Andrew! Mommy still loves you with all of her heart. And you are never far from my thoughts. I will always love you Andrew. Always.

What Will Be Revealed in Time?

Introducing Lynn around has brought on a lot of conversations about our family size from those that don't know us but see or hear that we have a newborn. It's usual.

In fact, on one occasion, a young woman named Megan, asked how many older brothers she had? This was the first time that form of the question has arisen.

Now for me, whenever someone asks about our family size or our number of children or number of boys we have, I always answer that we have 4 children or 3 boys or that Lynn has 3 brothers. But my immediate next thought on my mind,that I do not share, is always something about Andrew. Just a quick mental pause where I remember him and think, "and you don't know about Andrew and won't."

We got Lynn's social security card in the mail this week. I commented that once again we would still be claiming 4 children on our taxes this year. Andrew was claimed the last 2 tax years since he was born in 2010 right at the end of the year and then died in 2011. Lynn arrived this year, in 2012. How odd in a way.

Mark immediately commented, "I wish it were 5."

"Me too," was my response and Mark was in a dampened mood the rest of the day.

I wonder at times what it would be like if he were still here. He'd be walking around and running after his bigger brothers. But what would he be like. He was always such a happy boy who loved to laugh. I think he was destined to be a joker since he seemed to love getting me with "the fountain" whenever I changed his diaper and then would look at me and giggle. Little pill. But what else would there be.

He would also be close to being caught up developmentally at this point in his life. I wonder how delayed he would have been in different areas and how that would have been like.

I was talking with one of my dear friends this week about our children and how different they all are. He commented on how Lynn's personality will eventually start showing itself. "All will be revealed in time." He kept saying. This is true. So far I know she is very easy going and seems to be a happy  girl. She's very much mommy's girl so far but she is quite her daddy as well. But what more to come, is yet to be seen.

Yes, all will be revealed in time my dear friend.

Spirits are High

This week has been a pretty good week. I imagine part of it is due to the fact that I ended up starting the antidepressants and giving up nursing Lynn. While a sad reality, it is for the best. The low times were coming on so strong and were going deeper and deeper into a dark place that one should not have to travel, that I knew it was better for Lynn to have her mother than not to. We got to have some time bonding in that very special way and she got the benefits to the added nutrients in the breastmilk for a few weeks. And now I seem to have joined the land of the living. Hopefully in 6 months, I can wean off of them and be fine.

It's also been a good week because I've gotten to show Lynn off to some of the people that I wanted to have meet her the most. Some of the most dear to me have already met her but there were just a few more and one in particular that had yet to make her acquaintance. And now there's only my adopted older brother, Terry, and a very special woman that is a precious friend to me, Bonita, among extended family left to have the opportunity.

My boss left a meeting with a big client to meet her and he held her in a way that I said to me he wasn't the most comfortable having her in his arms. I told him it was good grandpa practice for him to which he chuckled and said that it would be awhile before that would come.

Pat, another coworker I just love working with, held her close and gave her kisses. Pat is just great!

Emlyn and I hung out at her desk while Lynn scarfed down a bottle and gave out a good burpie.

And then there was just trying to catch one of my dearest friends. It was hit and miss but after insisting that his schedule would be clear for staying in town until the end of this week, I made sure to make a special, quick trip into town to have the two meet. And she gave him the honor of opening her eyes as he held her securely showing off how he's an experienced father. Few have gotten the privilege yet mostly due to her being at a sleepy time when she's met most everyone. I was so glad and my heart was full. It was great! I really wanted to give him a big hug but decided not to this time.

And now, at the end of the week, Mark took off for a few days at the House of Prayer in Kansas City to recharge. I didn't get much sleep last night since my antidepressant has a side effect in of keeping me awake. So I have to take medicine to be able to sleep. Although since it also conks me out so well for the first few hours I didn't dare take it to make sure that I would hear Lynn awaken for her bottles at night. I do have time to recover from an all nighter and her needs are the most important.

Emlyn came over to do the "late shift" with me last night. We talked until the 3 am bottle. I wasn't going to sleep anyway and she seemed to need an ear. I was also loving the girl talk myself and talking about writing some more with someone who is in the same place as I am. We're sharing what we learn with each other and what we write. Anyway, I got to sleep after the 5 am bottle. My body was finally tired enough to overcome the antidepressant it seemed but only for the next 4 hours. Now I'm incapable of sleeping again since I did have to take my next dose of my medicine. So today hurts a bit but my spirits are high because Lynn has gotten to meet almost everyone that is important to me.

If only I could have done this with Andrew while he was alive instead of at his funeral and visitation and through this blog.



 

Missing Andrew

I miss Andrew. Period.

No explanation needed.

I miss him.

I hold Lynnand just find her to be so special and wonderful. I love her so much and am so grateful that she is with us.

And then I think of Andrew. How I held him. How I loved him when he was with us. And I miss him. I wish we had more pictures to capture his memory better.

He will just be a name to her. A face in a picture. I wonder how he will affect her through the rest of us who knew him and grieve his loss.

But in the end, I just miss him.

I love you little special. I just love you so much.